a [loud] lullaby

moving out!

2008-08-16T22:30:00.003+07:00

After some very careful consideration (it's coming along with getting older, really). I've decide that maintaining several blogs can't be healthy. But, instead of erasing this blog (why would I want to do that anyway?), I thought that it would be easier to just announce that other blog I've been updating regularly.

well, not that regularly anyway. I'm pretty much drained out.

So, you can find my not-so-new blog here

I'll see you there : )

All best,
Yani

love.in.dictionary

2006-06-20T14:36:00.000+07:00

LOVE, n.

a temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. this disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. it is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.

the devil's dictionary
ambrose bierce

she's.flying.home

2006-02-11T10:52:00.000+07:00

hmm...
one more days
sunday morning
me and her
and i’ll be singing “you belong to me”

the.random.chaos

2006-02-08T00:38:00.000+07:00

yes or no? rise or fall? open or close? love me or love me not? leave or stay? hold or let go? live or die?

it’s quite ironic, that we ask to ourselves those relentless question with the answer were already there, in our pocket. battling an unnecessary quarrel between logic and conscience.

way to go. choice to take. side to fall. song to sing. food to eat. who to love.

in the end.

we’re just reaching a mouthful of denial. and swallow it whole.

and how after that… often we plunge ourselves to a whole new definition of feeling… hypocrite.

nevertheless. it’s the nature… a question is always born to be asked. while some, remain unanswered.

or maybe it’s just me. in a need of a new glasses.

ghostly.planning.hiatus

2006-01-15T12:15:00.000+07:00

I am planning to take a rest from blogging. Maybe a month or so…

Why?

Simple, it is because I am running out of energy. And as it for me, seldom, writing took a hell amount of energy. I found out that, lately, focusing on things that I want to do, is becoming a privilege that I can’t afford.

As you can read in some of my previous post, I do owe some writing project to my friends. And a promise is a promise. I tend to keep that.

Just now… a friend texted me and told me that some of the guys at MP are planning another anthology on short stories and poetry, and she recommended me to the committee. Arghhhhh…..

Sadly, I have to say no... well, not entirely rejecting the honor. I would say yes to the poetry project, I’d simply post some of my old archives, and the rest is up to them. But not on the short stories…

And if I’m going to be selfish, I’d write my essay on Neil Gaiman’s “The Sandman” 1^st. it’s much more of a consideration towards my future.

Heck… I am already tired writing this short entry.

Until then, I’ll see you when I see you.

wait.wait.wait

2006-01-15T10:45:00.000+07:00

the exact numbers of february

and i am. anxiously.

waiting.

pop.the.question

2006-01-10T02:23:00.000+07:00

And in her eyes…
A pool of comfort

Ignoring my fear of drowning
I dive

why.why.why

2006-01-07T18:24:00.000+07:00

i read between the lines
the secret languange that only you and i could translate
one question

why... now?

27.27.27

2006-01-05T01:23:00.000+07:00

Q : Ah… so we meet again sir…
A : Well… Yes Miss. And I can’t help not to wonder. Aren’t I bore you to death on our last year interview?
Q : No Sir… in fact. I was quite enjoying it….
A : Very well miss…
Q : Without sounding trite, let’s get on to the interview shall we?
A : Oh. I thought you were already turned on your recorder miss…
Q : Glad to see that you’re not loosing your awareness Sir
A : I’ll take that as a compliment. Thank you.
Q : So… 27 eh?
A : Yes. Someone up there must be thinking the world would be less colorful if not having me around…
Q : Wow… Since when did you learn that narcissus is on your family tree?
A : Well… Since I realize that my old blatant sarcasm was rubbing off on you miss…
Q : Fair enough
A : Next question please…
Q : How’s the writing works?
A : Crappy… as always…
Q : Ok… And how does it feel when you learned that you were out of “the top ten skeptical bastard of the year”?
A : Relieved
Q : Relieved? How come?
A : I got a girl friend
Q : I don’t see any relation here. But okay… I’ve been hearing rumors, saying, that you’re planning to get married this year…
A : Well… it’s not rumors
Q : So… Who’s..
A : Wait. You’re not going to say “who’s the unlucky girl?” aren’t you?
Q : Uhm… well… busted.
A : Hahaha…
Q : Well?
A : Uhm. Okay. Let’s not try to make this interview into a gossip column shall we?
Q : Haha… very well Sir. So… How does it feel? 27 years old?
A : Old
Q : How’s work?
A : Tiring. But I enjoy it. I guess…
Q : Neil Gaiman?
A : He still rocks
Q : Indonesian music scene?
A : Radja… the guillotine for your taste of music
Q : Future plans?
A : Plenty
Q : Including writing a book?
A : Still in my dream
Q : Love life?
A : Nice try Miss…
Q : aw... Ok. How would you recap the whole years behind you with being you?
A : Well… I try not to think that much. It can be devastating to have this whole unnecessary scenario in your head. I try to broad more and more my views in life. I met a lot of new friend… pissed off some moron… In a nutshell… I think I just enjoy my life…
Q : I see… Any celebration party?
A : Nawh… I hate parties. But, somehow… I got this bad feeling that I’d be dead broke at the middle of the month…
Q : Hahaha… So I guess no candle light dinner for me like last year?
A : Hahah… I’ll compensate it. Err… How about I’ll let you to have another interview next year?
Q : Deal
A : Good girl…

new.new.new

2005-12-31T04:15:00.000+07:00

uhm. okay. regarding the major changes on this blog.
please do kindly forgive my inconsistency.

by now, it is very obvious to say, regarding this blog, that I couldn’t think any other color than black. so revert to black. a new skin, for a new year...

okay… on to the main dishes… for this year’s end contemplation…

i forgot the exact line… i read it on prima's status @ my ym window a couple days ago… “they say that if you love someone. let them free. (in other way. don’t hold them back if they wanted to leave). but they never told you what to do if they didn’t came back”

nice quote I must say. well… every quote is…

I’ve seen too many goodbyes… some with proper explanation. while in some other part, only silence sounding. anyway… mostly… it was painful.

now. I’m not going to bore you with the bla… bla… bla… cliché. we’ve seen enough. no need to add more of it.

i guess they leave… because they are not feeling happy anymore…

hmm... no wonder this blog never hit that much of a number… hahah

not.not.not

2005-12-28T23:21:00.000+07:00

Uhm.. I did promise updates aren't I? Well… consider this as me, begging you for an early apology. I sincerely do…

As you folks can read in my earlier post. I’ve been trying to keep the updates, but every single time I sat in front of my computer…

I got stuck.

I mean real stuck. As if all I can type was only [.] period.

What's the writing all about?

You see... I owe a couple of short stories to some of my friend from multiply; it was supposed to be an anthology project…. Then, I owe this very blog continuous updates... and I owe myself an essay on Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman series…

So? What's the case? How come I got stuck?

Well... not trying to pinpoint the exact cause to blame... But I do have a blur cliché type of a reason...

Maybe it was because the chaos inside my head was traveling down to my throat. Made me suffocating for a quite a while, and each time I thought it was over… it hit the gas and enjoying a pleasant ride down the chest. I never realize that somewhere within myself is a warm spot… because the chaos stayed there…

Oh yeah… at one hidden spot in this soul of mine. There is a hotel… and recently, it degrades it rates… It’s the year’s end holiday after all…

I tried to lure it out… The chaos… To shake it off, maybe swung the mood up with some music. From Vivaldi, Metallica, Wet Wet Wet, Ben King… I practically shuffled all the content on my mp3 collection. But it didn’t help much.

Try what? Radja?... Geez… Why don’t you, yourself, drag me to some only-historian-know-what age scene at France and lay my head under the guillotine? I'd gladly cut the rope myself...

Oh no… I bounce back pretty quickly in case something faulty happened in my life. But this time was quite… different.

Hmm… *tapping fingers on the desk*

Uhm… Ok…

Enough about me… I’ll figure something out. I don’t make a lot of promises, but I tend to keep them. There will be updates… Hopefully. But in case I failed… Well I did manage an early apology aren’t I? Hahahaha…

Oh, by the way... On a lighter note. It’s going to be a whole new year next Sunday… What’s your plan? Crashing with friends? Re-evaluating? Reform? Get drunk all night long, saying good bye to this year poignant memories? Planning to get a new job next year? Hehehe…

So... Anyway, I shall kindly bid you guys a “Happy New Year" … I am humbly wishing you all, a great year ahead…

Until the next updates.. It's me with the fading out spotlight... bidding you my warmest regards…

-Yani P. Kurniawan-

ous.est.ing

2005-12-24T00:40:00.000+07:00

Why I can be so tedious
When things are so obvious
Why I’m always anxious
When you’re talking serious

Hopefully I can cope the test
But sadly not capable even at my best
I’m desperately need a rest
Because I’m fed up with all the digest

Can’t you say something
To make this more interesting
I wouldn’t care if you’re only acting
Because I’m tired waiting

Why I can be so tedious
When things are so obvious
Why I’m always anxious
When you’re talking serious

I’m feeling like a man in a pore
Just far beyond galore
And when its get sore
I know that you’re the one to adore

Can’t you say something
To make this more interesting
I wouldn’t care if you’re only acting
Because I’m tired waiting

a game.of.you

2005-12-19T04:41:00.000+07:00

I'll provide some of the answer...
Just a game for you my dear friends...

You ask 3 question. and give 1 final answer.
fancy for some creativity?

I am afraid.
The thrill is shivering down my spine.
Tonight. I’ll kill…

II.

It’s just a game…
Love
You’ll lose, only if you refuse to play

III.

That is a clear fact for you to endure.
Like it or not.
It’s there.

IV.
Yes dear?
No. It’s on the 3^rd door, down to your left
You’re most welcome

nighty.nite.darl

2005-12-16T01:28:00.000+07:00

well. a quick and short update.

I just added some new links for new friends and few interesting blog as well. please scroll down and just click them. I've set each of them to open in a new window. saving you the trouble for clicking the back and forward button on your browser.

I was also considering to make a new shoutbox to replace the old one, but on 2nd thought...naawh... the old one still serve well. so why troubling myself? hehehe

So... More post to come. Hopefully..

the.new.look

2005-12-15T01:27:00.000+07:00

Okay. this is for a new start. hopefully...

Actually, somewhere around this year, I'm not feeling that I wrote for myself lately... I was tired with all writing in English stuff... Not trying to point my finger and blaming things for this lack-lustre of display in my creativity, but, I guess works have reduce some point in this territory.

But, maybe, it's just an excuse for me. being lazy.

So... in the middle of this year. i've started to write in Bahasa... I started on one from uhm... my tons forgotten and abandoned blog. It was my account at multiply.com.

And you know the rest of the story. I am trying to sum up things, find another way to pour this chaos inside my head. And to tell you the truth. it is fun. But in the other hand. I also come up to realize that Bahasa was not enough...

At some level, it crossed my mind to actually delete this account in blogspot. Who would've read this trash can anyway? Some of my friends that were on the links section are missing. the urls were not valid.

But on 2nd thought.... How could I do this to one of a few good starting points in my life? I started to write on blogspot, it was the very 1st space.

So I decided to keep it, and again, hopefully... there will be much much more updates.

Until then... I'll be seeing you. around. : )

when.it.break

2005-12-13T22:14:00.000+07:00

when the heart is breaking.
how does it sound?

crack?

half.empty.soul

2005-12-13T22:05:00.000+07:00

hm.
pictures. wordscraft. daily doze of daydreaming.
tv commercial. old movies. songs from the radio
in a sudden. spotlight at the center stage
something of a failure.

felt a pinch somewhere?

you’re alive then. pretty much so. i think.

fall from grace

2005-12-12T01:46:00.000+07:00

he read a tale of suffers enchanted with joy.a chocolate filled with bitter blood
and left him, lost, in his own palace
trapped between transparent walls

at the end of the first door. he wished that he could turn the frown upside down.

he went to bed. hoping that he'd be awaken in a different tale
along fleeting night and the sounds of the lullaby
but falling from grace as he closed his eyes.
and his lip trembles, muttering a silent plea

could I be loved in such enchanting way?

bliss.miss.hiss.kiss

2005-12-08T23:25:00.000+07:00

I’m the curse containing vague bliss

Blame it on Cupid when his arrows miss

When I draw close please don’t sound a hiss

You’ll feel splendid when I steal you a kiss…

i am that guy

2005-09-21T14:21:00.000+07:00

I’m the guy who realizes that it will take me hours to finish writing this so called long-boring-but-somehow-it-might-be-the-most-honest-entry-I’ve-ever-wrote-so-far

I am the guy who finally decided to write this anyway

I am the son who couldn’t be more grateful for your presence. I would have always regretted every unnecessary quarrel between us; I was too foolish to read between the lines, that all you’ve ever wanted was the best for me. I failed you both on too many occasion and yet the wisdom that have been forged upon your face never failed to find it owns way to forgive, often too many forgiveness

I am the brother that never did anything good in when it came in term of giving a good example for my younger brother. I was so angry when you took the RAM out of my computer, and then regret it as I found out that you desperately need it for your research. I am the brother that called your ex girl friend and asked her to forgive you and reconsidering her decision. I am the oldest brother that would always call you as my baby sister, I could never forget every time when I called home and you’re always asking me to bring some chocolate when I returned. I am the oldest brother that always avoid when you wanted to talk about your boy friend. I would be your oldest brother that would rip apart; literally, those who dare to break your heart

I am the guy who knows that his family loves him very much

I am the guy, who once slapped you in your face for not listening on things that I have to say. And I did not regret it. It feels good, even better when I know that I was right. I am the guy who told you to take the job, and I am glad that you finally took it. I am still waiting for you to take me out for a dinner and celebrating your enormous salary

I am the guy who is truly sorry for being late at your father’s funeral. I am the guy who couldn’t be happier when you have a girlfriend. I am the guy who is very sorry for not being able to see you earlier this month

I’m the guy who thinks that I think too much

I am the guy who told you to stop seeing and fucking her. I am the guy who told you not to mess around with someone else’s wife. Not mentioning that her husband works in the army, Doh!

I am the guy who always told you to use proper Bahasa Indonesia, yet, you never listen and keep talking in English. Btw, my home town is the original place for that food you consider as the best food on earth

I am the guy who finally thought that MP and the people are rawk!

I am the guy who still afraid to sit behind wheels, and avoid large mass water. I am the guy who often forgot to bring the wallet, and later got himself into trouble

I am the guy who crashed at your place for weeks! And thankfully you never complain. I would gladly help you out on your research and if you need anything, I mean anything! For you and the rest of the guys of course

I am the guy and I kick ass!

I am the guy inside the train, painstakingly alone as you told me that I should follow my heart and listen to my head at the same time. For your information, on the train, I was the only guy boarding without a heart. I am the guy who could only guess that ‘ti voglio bene’ means ‘good night’. I am the guy who swallowed every lip service you told me

I am the guy who is literally hurting every time you said you are sorry

I am the guy who drew a slight smile when you told me that you’re breaking up with your boyfriend, and phoned my one of my best friend as I thought that finally I had the chance. I am the guy who, then hung up the phone, stood in horror and realized that, actually, you are falling apart

I am the guy who never asked for any proper explanation from you

I am the guy who stood sorely as you come undone when the one you love walking away from you. I am the guy who didn’t know what to do or what to say. I am the guy who avoids the exchanging cliché and quoting the love songs; just to let you know that I would be there, just there, and not making any attempt to throw cheesy pick up lines. I am the guy who wished that I could be there, sitting next to you, as you pour your tears out. I am the guy who told you that this time, it will be different

I am the guy that even by now, though invisible, chooses to stay

I am the guy who also thinks that, often in our search of perfection, we moved in circles and found nothing. Because love lurks only in corner

I am hopefully, for a woman, in her eyes and her heart; she knew that I would be a great husband and father. And in further hope, she wouldn’t even have to think twice to say ‘yes’ when I popped the question.

I am the guy who finally realize that it sounds more like a confession than a pure writing. I 'm the guy that finally choose to stop writing this entry on the few next paragraph

I am the guy who happens to be… less… ordinary

I am that guy, I was, I am and I will be everything written above

Yeah, I am that guy… Who are you?

PS:

Credit and thanks goes to him and them

awake

2005-08-30T10:52:00.000+07:00

You thought you killed all your dreams
And if they revived...
Your ignorance would simply crashed them down to the floor

It was ironically amusing…
Eyes open wide
And you thought you’ve forgot

But…

At the very moment you fall asleep
They always returned
And this time…
When you wake up…
You'd remember…

You'd remember…
Everything…

mourn

2005-08-19T10:29:00.000+07:00

She 's gone... breathed her last breath gracefully...

Good bye stanger... I bid you the best farewell... Tell God... I said "Hi..."

R.I.P

Natasha Anya

I was....

2005-08-03T18:36:00.000+07:00

There could be some time, when you stood in front of the mirror, after shower; bare naked, your eyes were gazing and outlining every single line in your body. You’d notice that there is nothing special, merely flesh, vessels, blood and bones… There was nothing more. Just you; yourself and a simple silence…

Then you'd probably move your hand slowly up to your chest and tried to feel your heart beat...

And then, maybe then… synchronized with your heart beat; your mind caught some glimpse of numerous images, a chain of faces in their very own expressions… Some of them were familiar while the other was nothing more than some stranger, people that passed you by, slightly; almost anonymous…

Within the split second, your imaginary vision stumbled on this image… a face… To you, that face is somehow familiar; the curves on that face, the smiles it draws… You’ve seen it somewhere… Or maybe, you’ve touched it… or even in a further infinitive maybe, a kiss was landed…

Yet, you cannot decide… who owns that face… You can’t even define what that person means to you…

Suddenly… you hear a knock on the door, the sounds of flushing water from the toilet, the buzzing sounds from the TV… The silence breaks; reality crashing down… You sighed over contemplation overdue…

Only a distant imaginary thought… You shook your head. It’s just a reminiscence of a dream… That face remains unknown, familiar but still… unknown. Only few trace… traces that begin vaporizing…

No… Neither the years would never rest nor would love withstand…

And you’d pray a whisper… This day is going to be perfect… And your whisper echoed… within the perfection in your soul… within the emptiness it contains…

PS:

That familiar face... it could be mine...

tired.tired.tired

2005-07-21T10:45:00.000+07:00

pack it all up. lock it.

turn your back and leave... either way...

I will do the same...

love.is.crime

2005-07-07T09:37:00.000+07:00

If loving you... was merely touching your soul and leaving finger prints all over it...

Then... crime... might become the new notion for love...

how to get rid off your annoying ex [v.2]

2005-06-15T15:34:00.000+07:00

11.00 pm, It was late at night and he still in his office. He was staring at the monitor on his desk, while the ads from numerous porn sites keep popping out on the desktop. Oh! You’re going to owe me big time for this!

A man with a guilty face was standing next to him, watching him anxiously. Hey, I know. Just get rid off those pop ups will you?

Our dear friend sighed. Actually, it was no problem at all. But the fact that his colleague has used his PC to browse the porn sites was almost unforgivable.
“Why do you have to browse from my desk?”
“I’m just looking for something artsy… It’s for my girlfriend…”
“Artsy stuff? From the porn sites? And hey! I thought you’re married?”
“…”

The quarrel paused when the phone suddenly rang.

They both looked at each other with a puzzled face.
“Pick it up… Maybe it’s your wife”
“No way… I called her ten minutes ago and told her that I’m going to be late”
“Then who is it?” “Hey, it’s on your desk. Just pick it up and find out!”

He sighed and picked up the phone

“Hello…”
“Hi… It’s you all right!” A voice cracked in a delighted tone
“… What do you want?” He blurted. It was his ex… again…
“A ‘hi’ back won’t hurt anyone…”
“Ok… Hi…”
“That’s good…”
“How did you get this number?”
“Ah… Your sister told me”
“Oh… I see. What is it then?” He knew that his little sister have a soft spot for his ex. The bribe works well
“Ah come on! Can’t you remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Today!”
“What? Look I’m in no mood to play games!”
“Today it’s my birthday…”
“Oh… Happy birthday then. Best of Luck” Luck… His tongue almost slipped on the temptation of to replace the ‘L’ with ‘F’
“That’s it? No birthday present or whatsoever?”
“What do you want then?” He lowered his shoulder almost giving up
“Well… Tell you the truth… I still want you come here and fuck me... Literally…” She said the last word boldly
“I see…” He almost chuckled. Obviously, she didn’t forget their last chat on the phone
“So?”

He paused for a moment, and his eyes stumbled again on his monitor.

“Just wait in a few weeks ahead…” An idea flashed through his mind
“Really? I mean… You’re actually going to… Okay… I…”
“Don't let me spoil the details... bye!”

He hung up, glanced at his colleague and smirked victoriously.

"What? Who was it?" He looked clueless
"Uh... no one important... Say… You owe me big time didn’t you?” pointing out an item dis played on the monitor...
“Uh-huh" He just nodded in approval

A week later, she received a small package. She opens it up and found an actual figure of a hand made from solid rubber. The fingers were forming a grip but middle finger. The middle finger is pointing out, no need to explain what it means… Along with the figure, she found a note.

“Happy Birthday… It vibrates!”

PS: Battery not included

hiatus.hiatus.hiatus

2005-05-21T04:34:00.000+07:00

As I told you before. I'm moving out from Jogja at the end of the month...

I got lots of works to do, and things to contemplate...

And sadly I've decided to take a long rest in writing and updating this blog... It's only temporary, but I have no idea how long it's going to be... But I would visit this blog occasionally, to fill the tag-board so it won't expired... : ) please feel free to tag me or e-mail me if you have anything to share... I may not be around... but always all ears... : )

Till then... Take care guys!!

*waves good bye*

love.love.love

2005-05-21T00:34:00.000+07:00

Your body is changing.... You skipped a heartbeat when your cell beeps, and you desperately hoping that the name displayed on the screen would be your dearest one...

Your biological hour is changing.... You woke up at certain times when your dearest one used to call...

Come to think of it....

Loving someone... is like hanging your sanity on a thread.

You may try to find any logical reason... But you couldn't...

But when people asked; why are you insanely hanging your sanity on a thread?... You know one answer... It's because loving someone... is the only sanity that framed your insanity...

Why?... because it's not who?, why?, when?, what?, where?.... it's only "how"...

How do you love?...

hope.and.expectation

2005-05-19T04:29:00.000+07:00

Hope may keep you alive... you cross your fingers and not afraid of any outcome that may occur...

But as soon as it turns its form into expectation... You wait... and wait... that's when things started to hurts...

Just realized, to me... it's not the outcome... It's the process, the fight for a right to fight...

glimpse.glimpse.glimpse

2005-05-04T12:46:00.000+07:00

I know at some point it seems that I get too down hearted. But, come to think of it... I didn't... I know that I've been loosing so much time... And siting here doing nothing is not going to make me keeping up with the pace.

Maybe I need this... on second thought, I need this... and there is no "maybe"... And I got what I need, tho it felt and only last for a day... Being with her, I can see a glimpse of sanity....

PS:

I also realize that some of my bestfriend are really worried. I'm sorry... trully I am...
I'm good... breathing in ease... And just enormously grateful that you proved everything that it takes to be a good friend : )

how to get rid off your annoying ex [v.1]

2005-05-02T19:56:00.000+07:00

The cell rang; the voice is cracking the silence. He woke up feeling dizzy and totally uneasy. He gained his focus and looked at the clock.

“Shit! It's two in the morning! This better be good…”

He got off his bed and picked his cell on the table. He takes a look at the name displayed on the screen. It was his ex-girlfriend. He loathed her. He felt the sudden urge to throw his cell out of the window. But that was senseless. So he decided to press the green button and answered the call...

“Yeah”
”Hey...”
“Hey too...”
“How come… you’re in town and didn’t even gave me a call?”
“Like I should” He shrugged his shoulder
“Okay… So how are you? How’s life?”
“I’m good. Can’t complain”
“Uh-huh? That’s not what I heard…” She said that in weird excitement
“What did you heard?” He started to feel irritated
“Heard that it didn’t work out…”
“What didn’t work out?” He had a hunch on where this conversation are going
“You and your new girl…” There was a slight satisfaction in her voice
“Never trust gossip” He thought of few names he could kill later
“Hmm… I know what you need…”
“What do I need?”
“You need SEX… a good SEX!” She hissed a clear temptation
“I don’t” He slipped his thumb on the red button of his cell
“Oh come on… I’ll be good… I’ll make you really happy…” She moaned another temptation
“Did we ever have sex before?” He rubbed the red button with his thumb. The urge to hung up is getting stronger
“No… never… and it kills me…” She was desperate
“What makes you think… that I would go there at two in the morning… and do something we never did?” He was ready to push the red button
“Oh please… Just drove here… And FUCK me!” She was totally desperate
“OK… FUCK YOU!!” He didn’t have to yell. The blatant sarcasm on the last word did the job well.

He pressed the red button and turned his cell off. Later, he shook his head and throws himself on the bed. He pulled the blanket and gracefully went off to sleep.

things.things.things

2005-04-21T17:11:00.000+07:00

I realize that a lot of this happened lately...

And I got to the point where I must think carefully on which direction I would take...

Now, I have to move out from this town... And I totally unprepared... I love this town... And it's always hard to leave things that you love behind.

I maybe a little lost for a while.. but thanks to some really amazing people... I managed to stay survive... alive...

PS:
It's not that I've abandoned this blog... I'm not... I still updated on weekly based on my LiveJournal account... Just click the link I provide in the links section.

crush.crush.crush

2005-04-06T02:26:00.000+07:00

I don't know what I want... It's like walking out from my fortress of solitude just to be slaughtered.... "here's my head... claim your easy victory!!", or just shout... " go ahead... analyze me... I draw macro expression.... so it wouldn't be a problem...."

I realize that I've take my option... And I knew that all my senses are pointing out to the fact that there is a tremendous space between us... not mentioning the outstanding level of difference...

Guess what?... I'm in love with my own nightmare....

hiatus...

2005-03-23T16:21:00.000+07:00

Err... I know I still didn't update much here... Because I got something more important to deal with... and not mentioning that the doctor said that I need a total rest for almost a week...

Just glad to hear news from Sephira ( I miss talking to u too..., talk to me if you want to learn Indonesian... hehe ), and believe it... I'm planning to write a book and the title are inspired from your blog...

I will update as soon as possible... And also improving the lay-out and filling the content of my Indonesian Blog...

See you all soon.... And have a great days ahead!!

lately.lately.lately

2005-03-02T19:48:00.002+07:00

I'm sorry I haven't been able to update much here...

Tho.... I've been planning to make a new blog using Bahasa Indonesia... my national language...
but hardly found the energy to do so... but if I can pull this one out... I'll let ya'all know...

I also realize that some of you may wonder why I didn't update much lately... Actually, it's not true... i updated things almost on daily base... but since I'm not too comfortable with the content of my latest entry... I've decided to put them on my LJ blogs and made them a protected entry ( friends only )....

One of my friend has offered me a job as an editor at his advertising office... but I have no idea. I wanted to do it but... My study is almost done... I couldn't just leave it behind. He said that the payment was not that good... but I'm not looking for it... amount of money is definitely is not on the top of the chart... I'm looking forward for new experiences and friends...

Well... till then... I'm wishing you all the best...

me.vs.cupid

2005-02-15T23:59:00.000+07:00

Cupid : "alone in valentine?...."
Spin : "shut up...., it's ur fault....."
Cupid : "geez...., it's not like it's all my fault...."
Spin : " you know what you stupid cupid....."
Cupid : "what?...."
Spin : "I seriously think that you need a pair new glasses...., you keep missing in aiming your arrow lately....."
Cupid : "wha......."

dead silence......

futsal.futsal.futsal

2005-02-10T22:30:00.000+07:00

I played soccer a few days ago, with some of my cousin... err... no not soccer, but futsal...

It was major fun, it surprised me that I still had the stamina to keep running and kicking the ball for more than an hour, I know that it was a small pitch, but still... I'm surprised...

The final score was 13 - 15, and my team were lost... but it was okay, I made my first hattrick in years, and missed tons of free header in front of the goal... ( I think I lost my killer touch ) but hey, I was a wing back anyway... and three goals for a wing back is wickedly awesome.... heheh..

But later that night, my legs is killing me, it felt like it was made from wood... stiff. It took me two day to fully recover....

I'm planning to go back to Jogja on Monday.... Heh... Can't wait...

funeral.and.wedding...

2005-02-07T10:25:00.000+07:00

A funeral and a wedding

I’m in my hometown Semarang, and two things happened here… a funeral and a wedding…

Last year on when I joined LJ, and blogspot, I wrote an entry about a friend that cheat on his wife…
Well… sadly… everything ended tragically…

His wife died last Friday, she died on her way delivering her baby… Actually she was in great shape, and healthy… but on her effort, she felt enormous pain and pass out… then when her family tried to take her to another hospital… it was too late… The child was not even born, and died together with his mother….

I really have no idea to say… I felt so sorry… a few months ago… she always calling me on my cell and asking news about her husband… at first I have no problem with that, but this thing keep on going and going and finally I felt like I was misplaced everything… So I kinda push her out… I refused to talk about her husband, as I tried to keep things with him as they were… I wasn’t being a good friend for her… I even lied to her… I told her that I and her husband are no longer stay in the same house…. I even lied…. And I felt terrible….

I know that I may not be a good friend; I tried to warn him of his conduct, but it was obvious that he is not all ears… Imagine this, if your wife is fighting her way out on delivering a new baby… I couldn’t even imagine any better place then next to your wife… if your wife pregnant, I can imagine that you would go and having fun with other woman… well… my friend did…. But I cannot blame him for not being there for her wife… actually he was planning on going to Semarang and he promises the other guys to go together and went to my friends wedding… I know that he prolly felt bad if he left and didn’t keep his promise… but her wife delivery process was ahead of schedule….

And then tragedy happens…. I know that things aren’t going well for both of them… Now, everything is too late… I’m not holding any grudge on my friend… right or wrong… as far as I’m concern… To me he still dear…

At the funeral I only make a random guess on what he felt…. Shocked, sad, sorry, thinking so many “I wish things were…” or “how could I let this happen?...”…. I don’t know.

All I see was “regret” standing on the corner, smiled grimly and whisper… “I know I’m late…. I always did…”.

On the funeral I spoke to her daughter… she’s 8 years old and totally adorable…. Her name is Ola… :

Spin: Psst…..
Ola : Psstt….too…
Spin: Did u miss me?...
Ola : *smiled*
Spin: Hey… could you pass me that candy….
Ola : Hehehe…. Candy is bad for your teeth…. Mom said that… ( she grinned and showed me her front teeth was gone… )
Spin: Psstt….. can I keep you….
Ola : No….. Unca… you no fun… you only fun when we were drawing snoopy….
Spin: really?…
Ola : Yeah….

Oh dear…. That simple chat was totally a heartbreak…. In my religion, a woman that died on her way delivering her baby is going straight to heaven…. I could never think anything best…

Meanwhile, my close friends is getting married today, both of them…. They totally deserve it… they’ve been together for over nine years ( WOW !! ), and I witness how their relation going…

Me and some of the guys pay them a visit after the funeral, for a pre wedding ocassion… and things was good enough to make my day a little bit enlighten…

I haven’t heard any news from my friends from Djogja…. Hopefully they can make it…

PS:
I felt empty….

i.am.back

2005-02-01T01:46:00.000+07:00

Well... I'm back...
These past two weeks have been two crazy weeks...

Few things happened.... both good and bad things...

But somehow I felt so depressed, so I decided to take a break from every daily activities. I crash on my old boarding house, and get a full rest there... contemplating on things...

I need a comfort zone... and my old boarding house is the place that provide that...

So.... I tried some old fun activities... slappin' and tappin' the bass... playing some cool new games ( thanks to my friends hi-end class PC ), I got hooked up with Need For Speed Underground 2, Prince of Persia 2, and Half Life 2... enjoying coffee on the roof top and watching the mount Merapi as well as the sunset... Hanging out in some of my regular eating place... So yes... basically I have loads of FUN!!....

I spent a whole week there... skip my classes... turning off my cell at normal hours... I got OL only a few minutes and just replying some off my friends mails....

When I realize that I ran out of clean clothes and underwear, I know I had to get back home... so I did... And now... for an unknown reason... I hate my place...

PS :

Oh yes... here's a fun fact!!.... kids can be vicious... When I help my nephew when she moved out to her new house....
I met some of my niece, it was nice... one of them is always calling me "I know you" ( since I used to call her "hey, I know you..." like Tom Hanks in "You've got Mail", later she thought that it was my name... LOL )

She's really cute.... but anyway... my other niece is really deadly. I meeeeann it....

One of my niece ( she's 4 years old ) bite me on my arms... both of them... She's always trying to pinch me, but kept failing... and then she used her secret weapons... her teeths... And it really hurt... it left me two blue rounds mark on my arms.... :(

clumsy.clumsy.clumsy

2005-01-27T01:32:00.000+07:00

I hate being so damn clumsy... I forgot my wallet on my way back here, and we have to travel back to Semarang just to pick it up... I lost my north face hat... ( and I just found it back )...

God... I really am a clumsy-silly unlucky bastard...

hope.hope.hope

2005-01-02T06:42:00.000+07:00

Well... it was a tiring day...

I fall asleep and barely eat a thing since new year's eve... I went to campus again and the second volunteer team is already packing and they'll be on their way to Aceh using a Hercules plane and fly directly to Aceh. I heard news that Sultan HB X ( the king of Jogja Palace ) is coming along too.

I tried to carry one of the 2nd team member's backpack. And GOD... it's really heavy... You cannot be a volunteer without enuff preparation as they said... Well, they got a point there....

I got an offer to tag along the third volunteer team, and this 3rd team is going to go to Aceh in two weeks for now. However, I'm still in a crossroad.. My job here isn't done yet, and this month is going to be a very busy month. But I really wanted to go to Aceh....

Anyway, 2 3rd team will contain people that specialized in post-trauma-counseling, including few people that has the ability or specialized in building.

Cross your finger guys, since I'm a civil engineer, hopefully I can tag along the 3rd team. I got two weeks to prepare both my physic and mental...

H.E.L.P INDONESIA

2004-12-31T10:26:00.000+07:00

year.end.contemplation

2004-12-31T10:21:00.000+07:00

Faiths Ask of Quake: 'Why Did You Do This, God?' Reuters - Thu Dec 30, 5:48 PM ET It is one of the oldest, most profound questions, posed by some of the most learned minds of every faith throughout the course of human history.

Well, I have my own year end contemplation.... And I would take an unusual comparation between Aceh and Smallville.... Yes, the same Aceh province that recently suffer because the eartquake and tsunami attack, and the Smallville you seen on TV.

If u happen to watched Smallville on the it's 2nd season, there is one of my fave episode. In that episode, Whitney (Lana's
ex-bf) is died on his mission in Aceh Province... ( And that was kinda silly actually... U.S. troops on a war mission in Aceh?... ). But that's
not the point... since now maybe U.S. are sending their troop to help the Indo Army..
At the end of the episode... Lana cries and told Clark, that those close person in her life is starting to go away, first her parents, her aunts and now her ex-bf... She said “You are the only one good constant thing in my life Clark… And I don’t want to lose you too...”

And recently the people in Aceh has lost too many good constant things in their life, not only one... father, mother, husband, wife,
children, family, colleagues, and many things... I cannot imagine what kind of strenght those people had for just being able to stand on their
feet after those losses...

If I'm Clark Kent, I would gallop to Aceh as fast as I could if I was... but I'm not and never will be...

I wonder why this thing happens?... I mean, why do it have to be my country?... I have a chat with Ayiek a few day ago and [info]kangbayu yesterday and they make a very good point of view... I cut some part of the chat

the chat with kang_bayu :
here

stizilkin: lg baca artikel2 tsunami nih....
anaxehat : mendadak "tsunami" jadi keyword yang ngetop ya...
stizilkin: the death toll man...
stizilkin: knp juga negara kita yg kena...
stizilkin: ga israel aja...
stizilkin: :(
anaxehat : israel dah ga perlu dikasi peringatan kayaknya...
anaxehat : kita yang masih harus disadarin biar bersatu....
stizilkin: hm... u got a point there...
stizilkin: tp kl yg namanya peringatan aja udah hampir 60,000 nyawa...
stizilkin: yg namanya hukuman ky apa ya?...
stizilkin: :|
anaxehat : unspeakable....
stizilkin: and unthinkable...
anaxehat : semoga manusia pada cepet sadar...
anaxehat : terutama pemimpin2 Indonesia dan umat Muslim
stizilkin: amin...

the chat with Ayiek :
here

ayieks: humm...ckckck...
ayieks: gila yakk...
ayieks: kenapa orang2 sebangsa gitu bukan yg kena musibah tsunami??
stizilkin: it's the balance concept dear...
ayieks: kok gak di laen tempat aja.. yg banyak sinnernya, kan lumayan ngurangin manusia2 menyebalkan yg masih idup en bikin
bete orang laen
stizilkin: god in his mood to make new good people...
ayieks: i dont think so..
stizilkin: so he wiped the good old one...
ayieks: God in the mood of taking good people first, and left all the bastard alive to feel the end of the world
stizilkin: maybe he did...
stizilkin: and we are getting close aren't we...
ayieks: i think so..
ayieks: but if left all the bastard...bukannya yang di thailand tuh sinner semua???
ayieks: *confused*
ayieks: binun...
stizilkin: hahaha...
stizilkin: u forgot that HE is the Lord of Comedy...
ayieks: hummm...iye...emang the funniest in the whole world...

the chat with Ayiek ( again ) :
here

stizilkin: still in deep condolences as I can see..
ayieks: .....
ayieks: dan ruang kantor gue udah kayak gudang
ayieks: *grins*
ayieks: yang jelas, banyak doa, banyak sandang pangan yang ditumpuk2 di sinih
ayieks: besok dikirim ke aceh via DHL flight
stizilkin: that's great...
stizilkin: aku jg lg ngumpulin baju buat disumbangin...
ayieks: tadi ada juga yang contact, mo nyumbang vaksin 5 ton...
ayieks: tapi gue suruh langsung ke DHL biar di handling...soalna vaksin bisa rusak kalo gak di simpen di cold room
ayieks: kemaren beras 1 ton udah diberangkatin...alhamdulillah
ayieks: seneng liat orang2 yang biasanya mikir diri sendiri ternyata masih mikir deritanya orang laen
ayieks: i'm so happy to see that fact
stizilkin: well... remember I told ya bout my silly balance concept..
ayieks: yup...
stizilkin: there is still good people...
ayieks: but ya know the worst?
stizilkin: what?
ayieks: tomorrow, many people will get wild, drunk all nite...while our family in aceh are in suffer
ayieks: so sad
ayieks: a real balance concept
stizilkin: what occassion
stizilkin: ?
ayieks: rave party for new year eye
ayieks: eye = eve
stizilkin: yet the slogan still...."cry out for aceh"...
ayieks: rave party, free flow...
ayieks: shut
ayieks: and the craziest is....
ayieks: i wanna be one of them...
ayieks: silly...
ayieks: i know i supposed not to...
ayieks: but well...cant deny man...

One of my closest friend are in Aceh, a highschool friend. I tried to contact him, He's in Nabire. A 1st lieutenant in the Army. I was kinda worried because I tried to call him, but I kept getting a failed signal. So I tried to text him, and thankfully he got it and send me a text full of agony yet it relieved me that he was okay.

Yudhi told me that there are so many village turns into a total wreck, and it was worst than the war...

I can't say that we deserved this kind of warning, no human in this world is glad to see a devastating earthquake and tsunami. But sometime the hands of Nature is forced to make a hard slap on our face and a pinch to our conscience just to remind us of those things really important to us...

I realize that I maybe have my own slight disappointment on how thing works. I mean, I can stand to watch tv or went OL, since everytime I checked the body counts seems to grow in numbers.... but I choose to believe that everything is still on place... the world is still in balance... I choose to believe in GOD... and if that's God's will... 107.000 lives in total and 45.000 of them are in Aceh... so be it... I just hope that this so-called warnings from God are worth it... because we... human... are nothing more than impudant fools.

I hate to say this, but look at the spark on the bright side... Aceh has been in Civil War for years, maybe it's time for those who draw the line of battle to stop fighting.To put down their guns and hold each others hands and start to rebuild things together, but not based because "we have to..., their family is dying and it's not fun to shoot people in grief".

But based on "fighting and war are no good, they never meant to be good... we don't have to swarm the bullets to take lives... but LOVE is GOOD..." So yes my dear friends... " LET'S MAKE LOVE NOT WAR"

As this year almost end.... I have my ups and downs... Mostly downs, but hey... it's life anyway...

I cannot say that I still have the good constant things in my life. Infact, some of them are leaving me behind this week. Yesterday, Dewi is moving out to Indramayu with his husband, and I don't have the chance to say good bye. I send her a text asking her when the train leaves, and she text me back and told me that she's already on the train..."I've tried to call you this morning but the connections keep on failing, take care a good care of your self and please... take care the girls for me ..". Right then I hated Telkomsel....

For this 2 years, she's been a real good friend. She never failed to make laugh, and I wish I can have the same optimism as she had.
Some of my good friends in Jogja are moving out, last week Ari was moving out as well.. I bumped into him on a local cd store... He was a very good photograper for SetuSonten... and he's almost unreplaceable.

Ah... people come and people leave...

But at least... I still have my family, and friends... they maybe far away but I won't let them walking out from the special spot inside of me... Same thing goes to you my dear fellow bloggers.

Well... I just hope that the next year would be a much better year than this year... I have my hopes and hopefully most of them will be a reality for me... not much of a target though.... just some new good constant things in my life.... just like everybody else needs.... aren't you agree?..

the.family.ties

2004-12-21T04:48:00.000+07:00

Last Saturday I decided to take a ride on a bus and head to Semarang. I realize that spending a Saturday night on my own was already becoming a habit for me. But last Saturday I don’t felt like it. So I decided to go back home…. A trip that usually took 3 hour is expanded due a traffic jam at Ambarawa, it took me 4 and half hour. And I arrive at Semarang at 8.30 pm.

Some new things is happening at my house, I found out that it the whole house is re-painted again, it’s repainted in a brand new white paint. Then my little sister is rallying a coupe in a take over on my old room, it was re-painted in a yellow paint. My brother room up stairs is re-painted in a dark maroon color. And I ended sleeping on the new yellow couch… LOLYou see… my house have five bed rooms, for each one of us. But later, my Father and my Mom, slept in separated room. My Father gives up on my little sister sleeping behavior. She slept then moves like she’s on a kung-fu movie (You know what I mean…)… My parents woke up and had this bruises on their body… So my Father decided to have a separated room.

Hugs and kisses, that the thing you always get in being inside my family…. I felt like this was going to be a good Saturday evening for me…. But I was wrong…. That night I couldn’t sleep and feeling guilty….

What makes me sorry is that earlier that night; I had a little “argument” with my Father. We just finished having dinner, and having a nice conversation, but then later he told me to start looking for a real settling job and quit freelancing and doing “so-called fun jobs”…. I was kinda angry and out of control, because this is definitely not the kind of conversation I expected when I decided to go home. The words just burst out from my mouth…. And then I felt terrible, I know that he’s hurt…. And then he just left the table without saying good night and went to his bed room.

My mother looked at me with both angry and sorry looks. And the thing that hurt me then, is to realize that my father was right…

I woke up late the next morning and the whole family is gone, my mother and sister went to see my aunt, my brother is no where to be found and my father went to his office for an important job… I spent the whole day doing nothing; I’m not in the mood to go On-line…. Considering that it was Sunday, I felt like it was all bad karma turns out on me.My parents and I watched a soccer game later that night and it made me feel sorrier, because my father is acting that the fight between us is never happened. I tried to let it go but I couldn’t….

I decided to go back to Jogja on the next morning, and my mom asking me for a little chat….

“You know you father is right….” Said my mom calmly…
“I know mum…, and I felt terrible…”
My mom smiled, “Yet you cannot say you were sorry…, both of you are stone head….”
“I guess it runs in the family….” I said grimly
“We love you very much, and you know that your father only wants the best for you…and the best out of you….” My mom stressed the “love” and “best” word on her clear tone…
“…………………………………..” I sat silent; I realize I have to be a good role model for my brother and sister. Yet knowing that I kept failing over my father’s hopes is weighing the burden on my shoulder….

“Love is never a burden dear…”, My mom said that in her comforting smile as always….
And you can imagine my dumbfounded face as I never able to understand how my parents were always able to see trough and read my mind….

h-day.h-day.h-day

2004-12-18T07:09:00.000+07:00

So... I'm finally done finishing my jobs at Dewi's wedding. And the wedding party was awesome, the food is so appealing... it was grand!!. I didn't eat that much tho... I kept myself busy in the back corner and watching people passed by... It was raining hard outside, but luckily... the rain doesn't last long... Thank God.

Do I enjoyed myself?... Sure... I'm so not a party animal, even in a wedding party. But since Dewi is been a real good friend for me, I found a way to enjoy myself in the crowd... I met some of my former lecturer and professor, and it was fun. Met some old friends in College too...

It's a pity that my camera was broken... and I forgot to ask Pay and Sapto to tag along, Pay is surely going to brought his digital camera and laugh his ass off, as I was wearing a "batik" suit last night... and believe me... it's very.... very rare view... ( I never felt comfortable wearing any kind of uniform... LOL ). And my friends always see me in a black jeans and black t-shirt... so some of them are mocking me when they saw me wearing something "formal". Can't blame them tho... I have to admit... I look better in a formal suit... LOL

Anyway... there is something really ironically funny... I was sitting on this long chair when a nanny is holding this cute little girl, and feeding her with some of baby food ( I forgot what that was... ), and I tried to gave the nanny a hand by cheering the little girl... And a few minutes later... a friend is coming at me and said..." ...you know what, I just talked to some people back there... and they think that you were that cute liltte girl's father...and they envy you....".

Ok... That was... really a pinch to my conscience....

But above all.... I really... really having a very good night...

PS:
To Dewi and Mas Gran, My best wishes for all the best to come to your life...

the appointment in samarra

2004-12-02T01:48:00.000+07:00

Last night, I woke up at 3 am. I fall asleep... for the very first time in months.... I fall asleep. I get up from my bed... walking towards the mirror, and take a good look at my face... I kinda blurry on what happen next, but I ended up cuddling in the corner of my bed holding "College English" book and my fingers layed upon this page... the page that has this story....

"The Appointment in Samarra"

(W. Somerset Maugham )

There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, "Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd, and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me". "She looked at me and made a threatening gesture, now, lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate. I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me".

The merchant lent him his horse, and as the servant mounted it, he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went.

Then the merchant went down to the marketplace and he saw Death standing in the crowd and he came to her and said, "Why did you make a threating getsture to my servant when you saw him this morning?". "That was not a threatening gesture", Death said, " It was only a start of surprise. I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I had an appointment with him tonight in Samarra".

Well... this is my favorite short story ever.... I read it from the book my late uncle gave me. It's funny how, in so many times... we felt that life is too complicated for us, yet seems easier for others. But the story above often pushed me to sit down and contemplate...

When I read it for the 1st time... I ended up shuddering and laughing grimly.... Basically, that story is the main reason that I was so intriguid with death.... and what my future holds for me...

If life is just merely a tapestry of events that made from a chain of events, that has already laid down upon us. Then what's worth fighting?... But no.... That is too skeptical... even for a skeptical bastard like me...

PS:
Actually, I was going to post this story on new years eve... but I have my second thought... I hope you guys are able to take something from this story... And maybe... a better whole year in next year to come....

sudden.sudden.sudden

2004-11-30T01:27:00.000+07:00

Do you believe that in a split second, your life can change completely?... Or sometimes it just a sudden change of situation that out of your control and everything turning into a major disappointment....

Today I had a VB class, and I was late for about a half hour... It was drizzling. I ride my bike slowly, and the drizzle is barely bothering me since I wore my GORE-TEX, North Face Jacket. But when I got into the cross road just in front of the Technic Faculty, the drizzle changed into a heavy rain.... and I got all wet... I mean really wet...

I got in to class with water still dripping from my pants and jackets... my cell is almost wet ( thankfully it was still okay ), and considering that I'm allergic to cold... the air conditioner is definetely turn out to be a sneezing trigger...

So there... wet... dizzy and sneezing in class... and my delphi exam was trully a wreck... I need a lot of pratice... but the VB doesn't look as complicated as delphi tho...

a.bullet.whisper act.2

2004-11-28T03:08:00.000+07:00

[ the young man ]
"they said that we.... can be a God in a scrap of paper.... "
"I'm in dead end..."
"I have the whole idea... but I'm totally lost..."
"How am I going to end this...."
( his fingers stop tapping the keyboard, the young man is drown again in his deep contemplation... "

[ the man ]
"I'm going to end it here...."
"Tonight... the monster is about to die...."
( The man smiled in grim face..., he opens the chambers... picks up a bullet and lick the bullet... )
"cold... the taste of dead is cold?..."
( he put the bullet back into the chamber... and aim the revolver at the wall... )

[ the woman ]
She run in a funny pacy style... out to the street...
"I hope I'm not too late..."
"Taxi !!...."
"Redfields apartment!... On the Coppinger St.!..."

[ the bullet ]
Back in the chamber...
"that man is using a minty toothpaste...."

To be continued....
======================================

I haven't update this story so long... Felt like years...
So?... any clue how it ends?... Can you guess the relation between those character I made?...
And in case you missed the 1st act, you can look into the post on the 8th October 2004

a.rainy.day

2004-11-26T17:10:00.000+07:00

Just finishing my Delphi exam... There were 3 program, and I took the program no.3, it was difficult but has the most points..... And it turns out as a total failure... I clicked too many buttons, and the programming language I'm working is lost... So much for nothing.... >sigh< Sapto was too kind when he offered me to copy his works... but the network was inaccessible anyway.... After the exam, I had lunch with Sapto...., and after that we went to borrow some cd's

me : "Man...... My exam is a wreck...."
Sapto : " Let's eat.... I'm hungry...."
me : “Okay… I haven’t eat since morning…”
Sapto : “Geez…no wonder you look so skinny…”
After borrowing some cd

me : “heck.... it’s raining…… again?….”
Sapto : “it’s rainy season……( DUH !! )”

( And then I felt so stupid…. That damned Delphi exam took my sense away… and perhaps some part of my brain too…. )

shades.of.gray

2004-11-25T21:25:00.000+07:00

It was raining outside, I sat and enjoyed a cup of coffe in front of the angkringan... it was drizzling, and the road shines reflecting a beautiful and blurry image of people walking, cars and bike that runs over it.... I always enjoyed every scene from after rain situation... the smell.. the left over water that falls from the shaken trees... it was my comforting zone... it always been...

I was drown in my thoughts, thinking a friends statement... "life is so complicated"...

Complicated?... We see things differently as we've grown... And considering that the invention of time machine is the only almost-impossible invention that us... human would have engineered... I couldn't be more skeptical then I am right now...

"at morning it crawls with four feet.... at day it runs with two feet...and by dawn it runs with three feet"....

I wonder if I can enjoy the same scene ( let's say ) for the next 7 months later.... enjoying every shades on the wet asphalt... as every image on it moves... it reminds me on how... we cannot... predict our future... everything is a blur... until you get closer look....

Line of the day : " why the sky have no end?..."
( Dakota Fanning : I am Sam )

past.present.future

2004-11-17T03:14:00.000+07:00

The past came down last night...
She glance at the present...

The present asking for a wine...
His thirst for dying is seeking....

A toast between the past and the present...
Taste my sweet sin she said....
As regretful I might he said...

The future walk in...
Uttering his prophecy....
Both of you... pointed towards the past and future...

The sweet taste of the wine...
Will hunt you down....
Shadowing your every step....
Yet it cause you no despair....

For I....
The future....
Shall bear all the pain...

heck.heck.heck

2004-11-04T23:41:00.000+07:00

Dammit... last night my nose was bleeding... prolly because the weather is damn hot lately. I couldn't get some rest and my constitution is finally braking down.... again.

And I woke up this day, sneezing all the way, got a sore throat !!.... I catch another cold... So that make twice cold in a month.... darn !!.... Eventhough I may look like a junkie ( blame it on the insomnia... LOL )... I had an excellent constitution.... or at least, I used to....

So... the cold has forced me to make some decision :

Go see a doctor... ( I had a beeding nose... so it might a lil' bit serious.... )
I had to stop smoking.... ( Yeah... it reminds me of my year planning... Quit smoking on 25... )
I had to crash back to Kaliurang for a few days.. ( the temperature there is a lot more friendly then here....)
I had to buy another pack of tissues....
Start doing some sports to regain some physical strenght.... ( but my knee injury is killing me.... !! )
Get a lot of sleep....... ( owh.... how I missed those days when I'm still a sleepy head bastard... LOL )

Well... wishing you all the best guys.... And stay healthy !!

a.time.wisdom

2004-11-02T01:31:00.000+07:00

Upon this roughest journey...
I tried to rest next to an oasis... when an image of a man in a grey robe is coming out of the blue... Right then... I knew...

I met the oldest wisdom so called time...

In a paused moment.... He glances and whisper...
"Don't be bothered my boy..."
"Your piece of eternity not yet sailed away... it is ticking... but not yet sailed away..."

I stood and cried, "...eternity?... tell me about eternity..."
"what kind of eternity shall be blessed upon my lineage..."
"... my lineage that filled with the jokes of fate..."

The Time pull out his hand out of his robe...
His fingers outlining my puzzled face...

"When she... the death... came to you and kissed you with a plain simplicity... ending your agony... that's a second in eternity..."
"When a phoenix... burnt into ashes and revived... that's a second in eternity..."
"When your mother... gasping her breath... in a magical moment when you were born... that's a second of eternity...
"When the drop of waterfalls... finally break the stones down the stream... that's a second of eternity..."
"When Eros... flied his arrow towards your fortified soul... and loneliness felt no more.. that's a second of eternity..."
"And you know well... my boy... you're not even traveled in an hour of eternity... not yet..."

I stood silence... feeling so naive...

The time smiled, "Worry not my boy... naive is one form of purest honesty...."
His fingers is now dancing upon my forehead..." Close your eyes my boy... and I shall show you... an hour of eternity..."

I closed my eyes... feeling that every single moment of my past is running riot inside my head... the room on my brain is opening their doors... various memories scrambled out... creating a new empty spaces...

I open my eyes... the time has gone... only a whisper is swiftly swarming into my ears..."Now... look upon the water my boy... look closely... and you'll find and hour of eternity..."

I step into the edge of the oasis... Down on my knee... and watch the blur image on the water transforming into a perfect match of a mirror...

There... I saw a line on my forehead... The time has draw a faint line...the first line on my life... a line of age...

The line.... It's never an aging stature... but merely... an hour in eternity...

Somehow I knew that the time is not answering all my question... but yet.. the mistery... is always more intriguing...

Line of the day : "...and he told me that love is very powerful..."
(Angayuqaq Kowagley, PhD : Brother Bear )

You'll shivers... and then....laugh out loud....

2004-10-30T01:13:00.000+07:00

Please... read this post until the very last word... I'll promise you a very good laugh... not a shivering horror...

Well... when I wrote that "ghost story", I never expected any "encounter" in a short time.... Last night, I got home at around 2 am, it is obvious that the neighborhood still dark and quiet...

If you have the time to visit Jogjakarta, and happen to pass by the Lempuyangan Train Station, you'll notice a long row of big and old houses in front of the train station. Those houses was supposedly owned by the employees for the Indonesian Train Company. Well, I'm staying there these days, the boarding cost was affordable, and it only took me about five minutes to get to my new campus, Gadjah Mada University.

Anyway, ....last night I was so tired, yet still unable to sleep. I closed the front gate, and walk inside the side yard, open the iron gate as it was always locked. I parked my bike in the garage, then open the door next to the garage... suddenly...
I heard a slight movement from the kitchen... and I felt that my body shivering... (in a strange way though...). And a blur white image walking slowly out of the kitchen... I was shocked... >nowhhhh.... not again...<... and the door I just opened is making this low sound... by hearing the sound.... the image turns it whole body towards me... and then..... the image speaks softly....

"Monggo nak.... saking pundi mawon...??..."... ( it was javanese higher language which means : "welcome lad... where have you been..??" )

It turns out that the white image was my landlady, she was taking a night prayer and still wear her "mukena" ( a long white dress and white head covers that the female moslem wore when they did a prayer )... then she went to the kitchen to warm the meal for "sahur"....

You can imagine the look on my face... from a state of shock into a straight relieve... I have to admit that it took me a few seconds to get a hold of myself.....

After some short explanation from me... She asked a permission to went back into the main house. I entered my room... taking a pillow... cover it up on my face... and laugh my ass off.... That explain the shiver... it was weird... I did not scared as my first encounter 4 years ago... but it still gives me some shiver though... I wasn't wearing my glasses... and the lamp was off... so it explain everything....

So much for a ghost story eh..... LOL

Line of the day : "... please... I need to be on my own.."
( Nicole Kidman : The Other)

ghostly visage...

2004-10-29T23:40:00.000+07:00

As I much as I want to forget it... a promise is a promise....

Well....I owe a story to mia....

You must be noticing that there are so many supranatural show on TV... >sigh<. It's not that I don't believe in such thing, I do...
About 4 year ago, when I had this "Community Service" ( Well I don't have the proper word for "KKN"... LOL ), I found out that one of my friends in my team has this extended ability when it comes to "the sixth sense". And on one night, I watched a football match between Tottenham Hotspur vs Liverpool ( and darn... Liverpool lost 2-0 )... anyway, that night I heard a prayer for the ladies room... it turns out that my friend is praying rather loudly...

And when she realize that I was watching TV ( I yell loudly in vain when Liverpool are down two goals...) , she came out from the room.... pale and trembling.... So asked her if anything was wrong... At first she was hesitating... and later she told me that she had a stalker from.... well.... you can call it "another dimension". I thought that she was joking... But she wasn't.... believe it or not... the air is suddenly freezing... She told me that a huge green creature with red flaming eyes is peeking her from the ceiling... And just after she finished her story... a shadow is moving from the front door...

I cannot do anything but comforting her, telling that it was only her imagination.... After the match ended, I told her to went back to bed, and no matter what... "just close your eyes". I had to get back at the house where the other boys are staying ( boys and girls are stayed at different house, and only the girl's house that has a tv... )

So I walked out the house, the place I'm staying in is only a few houses away....But as I got nearer to the house, I saw this strange behavior on the dogs ( most people there has a dog in each house )... they were crawling outside... walking towards me and started to bark... the freaking part is... when I realized that those dogs weren't barking at me... They were barking to someone or something behind me.... And the house that lies just a few feet ahead....is suddenly pulling the distance....

At that moment.... I'd glady face ten men in a fight, rather than turn my back to see who's behind me.... because somehow... I knew that whoever is standing behind me....it was not human... I was cursing my luck like hell... I cannot move a single muscle....
I just closed my eyes... stop cursing.... and started to pray.... and suddenly everything was so quiet... the dogs were gone... and my blood system is running again.... But the nighmare wasn't over yet... when I tried to get some sleep... one of my friend is snoring toooo damn loud....

Guess what.... on the next morning, I woke up late and found out that my friend was collapsed... she was shocked, and the other guys had to take her to the hospital... Later I found out that few months earlier she had an accident, and she went coma for five days... and when she gain her consciousness, she start to see "other thing"... After a few days, she was fine and everythng just went normal...

The last time I saw a ghost, is in the house I rented..... 2 months ago....before it got expired...
I felt like I was dreaming, I was lying in this pine forest... and suddenly I realize that a girl with a white long dress is sitting next to me... Her long dark hair is covering up her face... she said nothing and just sit there...

Okay... This forest is beatiful....but this is a nightmare... I got to wake up.... So, I open up my eyes... and got myself petrified... I found out that the girl was sitting next to my bed... I bite my tongue to make sure that I wasn't dreaming... and it hurts... so this is real.... She just sit there and said nothing... It last about five minutes or so... and in blink... she was gone...
It happen in three day in a row... just a couple day before I'm going to defend my thesis in order to get my bachelor degree.

Maybe she was trying to tell me to get some night prayer or something... or merely just wanted to say goodbye because I'm leaving the house... I have no idea.... That house is somehow has this strange atmoshpere... it's gloomy yet comforting.... I don't know....

Line of the day : "....run scoob...."
( mathew lillard : scooby-doo)

drizzling and raining...

2004-10-24T14:22:00.000+07:00

Now... I'm - so - not in the mood to be such a sentimental prig...

But earlier this afternoon... I stepped out the house and found my "most" favorite view... A mix of violet and grey afternoon sky, and it was drizzling... the drizzle was perfect... pouring every inches of the front yard... I just love the smell of soil poured by rain... somehow it smell funny.... but comforting...

I sat in angkringan in front of the house, ready to fill my throat as the today fasting was about to end...
The owner was a man at fifty something... the ages draw the perfect lineage of persistence... He offered me an ice tea... I smiled... " yes sir..., you already know my addiction to tea..".

I take a quick sip, and start to contemplating on things that happened to me over this few days...

I've overcome my thought and despair in my friend death's.....,
I've got myself a reply from the editor of "the da vinci codes"... explaining his regards on my critics on the translation,
I got amazed by the comment on my tag board on my blogspot account, it said "suicide ideation is a sequel to ambiguity, an answer to vagueness, a continuation of boredom "...well I couldn't agre more...
I missed my "delphi" class twice... >sigh<
I was so pissed of last night... I wrote the 2nd act. on "a bullet whisper"... and suddenly a bad connection is ruiningeverything... and I couldn't remember every single word I've wrote... >sigh<
I'm at my quarter of a century... and still looking for a suitable job... I'm getting poorer each day.... >sigh<
Jogja is damn hot lately... but the rain paid off anyway... >can't complain anymore<
And Lifehouse is recording their new album... I've listened to the rough recording at the band's official website... and it was awesome... the new song is called " Come Back Down"

Well... so much for a weekend contemplation eh...

Line of the day : "...and the accumulated wisdom..."
( Tom Hanks : The Ladylkillers )

black...

2004-10-20T02:22:00.000+07:00

I don't know... in some way or another... she's inevitable... sooner or later..we'll bump into her eventually... face to face...

To me... it's DEATH who make us stop and contemplating.... NOT LOVE !!!

But I couldn't get my self on a grip of a proper explanation on the she works.... I'm here... replying some comments, browsing some regular sites, checkin my e-mails, drinking a bottle of tea, smoking a pack of cigarettes... and a freezing lake started to break apart is drawed pefectly on my eyes...

One thing I hate about myself in a devastating situation ... is that I always ended up cuddling my scraped knee on the corner of my room...

I never cried if she came.... all my entire life... I never shed any tears on death.... yet.... Even if she came to take someone dear or even my family... The truth is....I never understands why people cried on death or funerals... shouldn't they be happy...??? I mean... for the dead... no more pain... no more witnessing the agony... no worries on how the dear time will draw the lines of fate tomorrow... what could be better...??.

My most suicidal thoughts... if they were... a revolver and a hungry-for-life-bullet... I would gladly put myself into an end....

Again... a chain of frames passing me by... they whisper... Not now !!!... I tried not to listen... I don't care... loosing your dear friends in tragic way is not making me any stronger... I can't be there so sturdy yet crumbling apart inside....

Not anymore.... maybe.....my novels ends here...

devastated...

2004-10-19T23:12:00.000+07:00

Today, I woke up at three in the afternoon.... and something tells me to check my cell for messages..... and I got 4 new messages....and 3 miss call...

The 1st message caught my eyes, is unusual... Manda, I mean I know the person very well, but he rarely sends me any messages. And I wasn't prepare for any surprises.... He told me that one of my friend died last night over an accident... Andri died on accident.... I read that line over and over again... I called some of my friends to make sure that the name written on the text was him....

I found myself.... cuddling up the gloomy air in my room....

He died... not a close friend... but for me... he still dear... he spent his first two year with me on the same boarding house. Last time I met him was about two years ago... on a garden party, celebrating his graduation... he's a talented architect.... a loyal person... he's having this long time relationship with his girlfriend since high school... about nine years of relationship... I can't imagine how she felt about this...

I remember the way he smoke... it's very unusual... he smoke the cigarrete like a child sucking a lollypops... he always got a wet filter... we used to make jokes on the way he smoke....

About four years ago I lost a friend over an accident too... I'm still able to draw the image when I saw his back and waving good bye... a last goodbye actually... a friend knocks my door at midnight and told me that he's gone... I yelled in disbelieve...how come ???... We just went fishing today....

And today... their face flashing in my eyes... a fast moving frames.... their smile, their laugh....
I lost four dear friend over accidents... tragic... all of them was a very good people in many qualities...

The truth is... I have no idea... Death has her own way in my circles.... always in surprise... unexcpected person and ways to die...

( To Tubagus, Taufiq, Andry and Mas Rifqi... I can only pray... )

Line of the day : "... I told you I wont be coming back..."
( Robert de Niro : HEAT )

pacing..

2004-10-18T02:03:00.000+07:00

it's my 1st day back in class... again...

And you now what... It wasn't that fun... really... I mean.... hey I'm totally new with this stuff.... not like my other classmates which they had IT background.... I'm NEWBIE here dude !!!....
I was sleepy, hungry... and almost...( almost ) pissed off... because when we're done with programming and stuff... by the time I tried to save my work... the computer just halted... great !!!.... MAKE MY DAY !!!...

Line of the day : "... stop being a phedo-failure...."
( Robbin Williams : Good Will Hunting )

false... fake...

2004-10-17T01:56:00.000+07:00

One of my friends was asking me to check a user on fs... " that babe was a bomb !!, you gotta admire her..."...
Well, I don't have to bother reminding him that I have no interest in "hot chicks"... this friend of mine is a persistent "bastard" when it comes to "chicks"... so in a way or another... I had to check it anyway... >sigh< ( And for your information, it happens at 10 pm, if you are mentioning that this supposed to be fasting days...LOL )

Instead typing the e-mail address, I type the girl's name on user search... and I laugh my ass off... there was six account on that name... all different profiles but... same photos... ( altough I hate to admit that my friend was right... she's a bomb alright... no... they are bombs...al six of them..!! )...

So I told my friends to check them using the user search as I did... Later he told me that he bookmarked all of them.... LOL

To much to waste eh...

Line of the day : "... yeah.... they're real..."
( roseanne barr : home on the range )

false..

2004-10-17T01:09:00.000+07:00

so typical of me...

Yesterday I was merely taking off just to get some fresh air and get draw some cash to pay the cost of my boarding house... on my way back... I didn't realize that I was taking the route passing one place that I was planned to stay away for this month.... the "social agency" bookstore...
And by the time I realize it, I was already in the bookstores parking lot.... >sigh<
And look what I found... "winnetou III" by karl may and "the da vinci code" by dan brown.... and each of them is the last stock... bummer...

Well you can guess what happen next.... I had to face my landlady and ask her for a "delay"... and told her why... lucky for me.... she fully understands.... ( thank you ma'am )
I get myself comfortable on my bed and started to read... the da vinci code is my 1st choice...and heck.... on chapter 15, I found this ridicolous translation... " Guru telah menyediakan baginya pistol Heckler Koch USP 40 putaran 13"... putaran ???... WTF....???...

hey dude... "rounds" in guns doesn't mean "putaran", it means the number of the bullets on the magazine.... ( being the most wanted Counter Strike member in my LAN gaming days is finnaly paid off !!!.... LOL )

And on chapter 46....page 278 " Dia merogoh telepon genggam dari sakunya.... dan memutar nomor".... Have you seen a cell phone that you actually have to scroll the numbers like an old fashioned phone... DUH....
This is why... somehow I h8 translated books....

Line of the day : "... I got a gun..."
(Ashton Kustcher : My Boss's Daughter)

ramadhan

2004-10-13T23:52:00.000+07:00

Well…. Ramadhan is coming….

These three words is all mean necessary... maghfurin, makbulin and maizun...

Maghfurin means forgiveness on your sin, Makbulin means that all your good deeds will be rewarded and Maizun means “victorious”...

Last year, I had an awful fasting. Its not that I miss any single day... I never missed any... But last year, I felt “lacking” in controls... Dunno about this year though...

A “not so young” man like me is certainly in looking for a more specific direction... So I'm hoping that everything would work the way I wanted it....

Line of the Day : ...." God put you in my way..."

( Djimon Hounsou : The Four Feathers )

half..

2004-10-12T02:10:00.000+07:00

My head is still a little bit dizzy... the sneezing part is far from over and my coughing problem is getting worse... I called Lia ( she's a friend from meds department ) to drop by and bring me so pills... or whatever... but she couldn't make it... oh Bwuggherr...

prolly took me a full box of tissue just to wipe the "sticky eyuchy liquicy thingy" from my nose.... I might look like a junkie... ( as a result of my insomniac )...but I have an excellent constitution… so I rarely got sick… But dunno… I guess I had to do the sport routine again…

I couldn't slept last night... dunno what's happen but it was damn hot !!... So I turn on my PC and start drawing some icons using paint and Corel Draw... and as u can see... a silly icon is replacing my old sephia colored icon...

Not bad for a coughing and sneezing man who can barely focus on the mouse movement… LOL

Line of the day : "....yay..yay.."
( Escobar Tongue : Kung POW )

atchuu...

2004-10-10T23:04:00.000+07:00

I’m not feeling well… I had a cold… my nose is itchy, I’m sneezing all the time, my head felt like it’s half empty, seeing things double… It seems my disturbed sleeping schedule is finally breaking my constitution apart… ( and considering that I’m actually an insomniacs is a hilarious fact… ).

Line of the day : "...Atchuu..."
( Mike Myers : Shrek 2 )

hesitating

2004-10-10T01:36:00.000+07:00

This morning I got a call from HRD department of USG, it's probably the biggest garment industry in central java. I knew that the company is one of the major forces in Indonesian garment business.

The company was inviting me to an interview that would take place on Tuesday next week on Semarang.

I was surprised; I never sent any application or whatsoever to that company... Later I found out that the company found my profile from the graduation book.
And I'm majoring civil engineering, not textile engineering.

Unfortunately... I’ve already signing up for a semester in ITC UGM. And I’ve paid the whole cost.

Sigh... the offer was too good to turn down. But I’ve made up my mind… and I’ve still got some unfinished business here anyway...

Line of the day : "...relax guys, it's going to be fine.."
( Tobey McGuire : Sea Biscuit )

a bullet whisper

2004-10-08T22:40:00.000+07:00

A mistery for you my friends.....

==============================================================

a bullet whisper

a young man... at twenty something... thinks that he is the word master... tap dancing the finger on the keyboard... imagining...
a man... at forty something... thinks that his world is about to crumble... slow dancing the finger on his head... wondering...
a woman... at thirty something... thinks that she is beautiful... skate dancing the lipstick on the mirror... agonizing...
a bullet... exact six month... thinks that he is being ignored... freezing on the chamber... waiting...

[ the young man ]

a 14" monitor... a grand CPU... a mouse... a keyboard....
a writer... an ash tray... a cup of coffee... and a cell phone...
left side cheek... eyes blinking... some dancing fingers... and taping foot...

"I'm screwed... gotta figure something out fast... com' on... think dammit... think....". He turns his head, and then smiled. Comforting himself.... " huff... I got 12 hour before the deadline....". I can do this.....

[ the man ]

a revolver... a pulled trigger... six chambers... and one bullet...
a driver... an ash tray... a cell phone... and a lighted cigarette...
right side forehead... both eyes closed... trembling hand... and scrapped knee...

"I love her... no matter what.... I do". He swiftly pulls the trigger... "Damn... why he gave me this heavy revolver anyway....". Then he smiled as he saw his image reflected by the shine on his revolver....

[ the woman ]

a lipstick... a bottle of perfume... a mirror... a red gown...
a dancer... a glass of whiskey... a ring... a scrap of paper...
around the neck... tired eyes... soft skin... and crossed legs...

She dressed out for the kill...."Should I tell him that I've made out my mind ??". She nods her head... ( in slight hesitation ). "Yes... I loved him too...". She has finished the writing on the mirror.... it said " I QUIT !!!"

[ the bullet ]

psst… hey… you… yeah you.
Are you going to use me or not ???… This chamber is killing me….
….. still no answer….
Hey… are you sleeping… wake up man… Make up your mind…

to be continued....

=========================================================

And btw... this is not a side story.... this story stands alone and got nothing to do with " So I Loved the Death"...

Line of the day : "....make it santoris time..."
( Bill Murray : Lost in Translation )

a chat with ego

2004-10-08T02:06:00.000+07:00

when I decided to went off line..... beep... that familar beep is ringing through the headphones... an smiley icon is laugh me out at one window messenger... I felt the monitor is begging me not to leave... and the keyboard suddenly looks so... appealing... :)

ego : hi bro...
spin : hyup.... wazzup ??
ego : lost your glasses eh...??
spin : how the heck did you know....
ego : read it on ur blogs... DUH !!!...
spin : oh... silly me.. sure you do....
ego : ....well...??
spin : what ??....
ego : ur glasses dude.... u still a sloppy lad....
spin : oh... found it... I left it on the last place I had dinner that night...
ego : gut 4 u....
spin :... yeah... btw... that sounds sooo LIPTON.... LOL...
ego :...hehehe... thought you rarely watch tv...
spin : yeah... actually I didn't watch tv much.... but that ad was soo funny...
ego : stayin' up late again...??
spin : yeah... posting new blogs... dun lemme bore u... LOL
ego : nawh... you always had your way to throw something funny....
spin : huhuhu..... does irony counts ???
ego : well... you would laugh at it wouldn't you ???
spin : ...hahaha... not always...actually....
ego : why pop irony out ??... something struck u down ??...
spin : dunno... I'm not the man I used to be....
ego : hehehe... now you sounds like Boyz II Men....
spin : hehe.. you can't say no to the beatles...
ego : listen them a lot....??
spin : nawh.... just few songs....
ego : eh... gtg... bro...
spin : whoaa.... why ??.. geez... what happens with " lets get drunks with words and tap dancing the keyboard..??"
ego : hey... that was your line dude.... not mine....
spin : hehe.. forgive my short term memory sir...
ego : geezz... I'm sleepy... and I got to go to works in early morning....
spin : yeah mr. workingman.....hey... what happen with the freelance writing... ??
ego : didn't have much time now... btw... I heard that you wrote a story ???
spin : man.... never trust a gossip.... :)
ego : what about " So I Loved the Death ".... it's nice a job dude.... post me when its done....
spin : hey.. I thought you were LEAVING ???.... LOL..... okay...okay... I'll post my story when it's done...
ego : hmppphhh... 'kay... see you... but not so soon I hope.... haha....
spin : hehehe... take care dude !!!... wishing you a total nightmare.... it will wake you up sooner... LOL
ego : hehe... bye...

Just when I'm going to went off line... this old friend of mine showed up...
He's been missing for months !!!...

Line of the day : "...you can't trust someone who thinks you're crazy..."
( Halle Berry : Gothika )

dodgy knee..

2004-10-08T01:03:00.000+07:00

I went to Saptos house yesterday... since I've never been there before, he drawed me a map on my notebook. And later... I realize that my bestfriend is awful at navigation... ( soowwrry sap !! )

Got OL from his house and later in the ebooks forum someone just happen to post the "shopaholic" trilogy. It didn't drag my interest though... not until some of my friends are shouting me to read those books... hey... I thought that those trilogy was for girls... I'm allergic to malls LOL... But then I read the 1st book... and totally amazed at several opening chapters...

But the truth is..... I'm dying to read "a suitable boy" by Vikram Seth... It got me drooling for years and yet... still I couldn't get my hands on it... :(

Btw... a book expo is held here until 10th Oct. But I've been there, and none of my wish list is available... but some of the art books were awesome... but crazey prized...

Here is my wishlist... :

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth
The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro
Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The Cairo Trilogy by Nagouib Mahfouz
The New Pearl Harbor : Disturbing Question About Bush Administration and 9/11 by David Ray Griffin
The Essay, Reading for the Writing Process by Goldman and Hirsch
The Venture of Islam by Marshall G.S. Hodgson ( I already had the 1st and 2nd edition...the translation progress on the 3rd edition is too slow... )

Most of them are novel....yes...novel..... Wonder.... those book is haunting me.... LOL

Later, Sapto is offering me to tag along with him and some other buddies on a trip to Mount Merapi... I swear I could jumped in the air with joy... until... I remember that my right knee is never fully recovered from that nasty injury... I walk and run normally, but when I had a go... do a jogging for example... it's often followed by this pain on my knee... and believe me... the pain is almost unbearable...

I miss the mountain for sure...

Line of the day : "...aahhh... my knee..."
( Troy Winbush : The Replacements )

blurry..

2004-10-06T07:26:00.000+07:00

I lost my glasses... hics...

black out...

2004-10-05T04:33:00.000+07:00

Well.. as I was soooo ready to snuck myself under my warm blanket.

I suddenly remember that I've rented some movies. The Pianist, Door to Door, Smallville season 2 and Scooby Doo 2 ( monster unleashed ).Soo.. I turn on my PC and my 1st choices was the smallville series ( For unknown reason smallville is disappear from SCTV... geezz ).

And what do you know... in the middle of the first episode... my PC was halted. I tried Ctrl+Alt+Del... ( XP is much easier on multitasking... ) and is still nothing... I Could do nothing about it... so I push the "holy" reset button... and try to play it again after some shitty disc check... And still the same shit occured. F**K !!, I checked the disc and it was fine... and by the time I looked on my monitor, my PC was halting again. I tried to fix things up, system restore always work for me... but not tonight. I even tried the safe mode..., and it still halting... even in safe mode... :(

I was so frustrated... I tried the safe mode once again... and while it's working I moved all my important files.And I have to re-install everything... including formatting... and when it's done... I just remember that I left my sound driver on my old place... what the heck... I jump into my bike... and tried to make my way about 20 km to kaliurang... and damn... it's freezin'... and to make everything perfect... the lower part of kaliurang had a black out... I mean total black out... the only electricity I saw was on UGM campus... SHIT !!!...and I'm not even half way there... I stopped... light my cigar... and decided to go home...

I only made one small stop... this "crazey priced" cybercafe just to post this !!!!

Line of the day : "...your father sent me..."
( Val Kilmer : Spartan )

shiver....

2004-10-03T08:49:00.000+07:00

I woke up at 2 am in the morning and realized that I'm back in Jogja again... My throat is dry like hell... So I picked up my wallet and walked outside my boarding house. Thank God there is still one store that opens... I drown my throat with two bottle of tea... what a relief...

But when I open my wallet I found out that I was broke... I just remember that a few cousin drop by and they asked me out to be their guide for a trip around Jogja... So that explain everything...

And to make it worst..... as I walked home... at the entrance I just realized... my friends were true... My new place is spooky.... it looks like a "uji nyali" location... geezz...

Line of the Day : "....until you got yourself alone in the room full of shadow..."
( Dustin Hoffman : Runaway Jury )

as he said..

2004-09-30T02:44:00.000+07:00

I talk to sapto again last night...

I bumped him on my fave cybercafe. And he happens to be just a few box away.. wonder why he didn't get ol from home...

Later we wen't out to get a dinner..the he said " man... dunno what the heck is happening 2 me... but lately... I got bored with my life...".

It kinda surprised me at 1st. " why...??". He points at some couple and some girls passed us by... But that's not the answer... I knew him too well..

He said that right now he felt like he's on a cross road... I don't have to remind him that life is merely taking, or more correct choosing an option. He said it to me directly when I'm going to shoot him with that line...

"Okay... I get ur point" said I. "I got bored too... sometimes... But what's with those couple ??... You felt lonely ??...".

He'll laugh himself out... and said " I thought you're the one who's always been lonely..".

I swear I could felt that line hit me like a hook.

Line of the day : "...So.. the joy is never quite complete.."
( Heather Graham : Hope Springs )

a dance...

2004-09-29T04:23:00.000+07:00

last night she came.... again dancing and teasing...
I just smiled bitterly...
my dear death... why just thy pretends to shy...

she whisper slowly....
not yet dear... not yet....
your lip is not sweet enough....
endure your agony....
time hasn't finished drawing your lineage...

again... I fall....

Line of the day : "....I don't like things getting complicated..."
( John Statham : The Transpotter )

retire or not...

2004-09-29T01:29:00.000+07:00

I've been thinking... should I retire being an editor or what...
All I know that I had to move on... it's not like I didn't enjoy it..
I do... I love the magz more than any my comrades would ever realize...

While reality is forcing me to face the fact, that somehow this lack of attention of mine over this past week, is going to drag my friend into unpleasant situation...

It's always hard if you've decided to jump on the the field that really not yours... I'm not saying that I'm not blend in well...
I did... but... dunno... this magz is dying... and I don't have the heart to put it to an end... but on the other side... I really had to move on...

btw... that short stories I've been writing lately... is developing way beyond any my imagination...

Line of the day : ".... now, choose...!! "
( Willem Dafoe ; Spiderman )

puisi ngawur berakhiran U

2004-09-28T02:13:00.000+07:00

====puisi ngawur berakhiran U====

abel "keponakanku"..
nih kenalin pamanmu yang lucu..
dulu teman baik abahmu..
dari SMP sampai SMU...

abel keponakanku...
biarlah lima tahun berlalu..
kutunggu tumbuhnya dirimu...
Kan kuajak dirimu bersenandung merdu.

Abel keponakanku...
jika sudah lima tahun usiamu...
temanilah pamanmu...
mencari wanita pelipur sendu...

Jika abahmu tak mengijinkan mu...
biar kugetok dia di dagu...
agar dia bolehkan dirimu...
temenin pamanmu cari cewek baru...

Abel keponakanku....
maafkan puisi ngawur pamanmu...
tak lupa titip salam dari kalbu...
untuk Abah dan Bundamu..

.===Spi[n]===jogjakarta 12:41 pm, 24.09.2004
di sebuah warnet berwarna biru...
huhuhuhuhu.....

( actually... this was my testimonial in friendster to a very good friend of mine,
he just became a father.... I'm so happy 4 u Bro.... )

hics...

2004-09-27T17:31:00.000+07:00

Noooooo.... :(

I just found that my SLR camera is broken, the dirt on it lens is turned into some uncleanable stain or something... And if I had to buy another lens it's not an option right now. Why ??.. because FUJICA doesn't produce that lens anymore...

And this morning I got busted for a silly mistake... I forgot to change the number on my bike.. it was expired. Those bloody cop robbed me !!!... F**K !!!... I mean it's 4 o'clock in the morning... and if you lived in Jogjakarta... soon you'll noticed that most people here doesn't give a Shit on traffic lights after 11 pm...

And got busted at 4 o'clock.... F**K.... F**K.... those F**Kin cops were just lookin 4 coffe money anyway, while they questioning me... some dude was passing the red light and those damn cops done nothing....

Line of the day : "...f**kin cops..."
( Some people : some movies )

So I Loved the Death

2004-09-27T02:01:00.000+07:00

Well... this is all I can afford to write...

Just hope that you guys can enjoy it...

================================================

So I Loved the Death

Myra stood in front of that red shaded door. Although it has been a daily activity for Myra over this past month…she still hesitating, should she knock the door or just stands there…? Knowing that the answer might remains the same.

The room was so quiet, just to stands there is enough torturing. Right now she felt like in the middle of a two-way mirror and as she stands between them, the mirrors forming images that have no end. She snaps herself from the flow of unconsciousness. Then she knocks the door smoothly...

Seconds ticking... yet no answer or so... Myra knew that the door is unlocked, as it always did. She swiftly turns the knob…. Then, gloomy air floated out of the room.

And all she needs was a glance and she knew Patrik wasn’t there. Inhaling the gloomy air she cried…. Oh, how she missed him so much…. You can call it as a tendency of every mother alive on this earth.

Myra steps in, almost jinks as she always does when entering his sons room. Pulled the chair out and sits there, examining every single picture on the wall. His son has excellent eyes at capturing moments… a picture of an old merchants is on the top of his son pilled up pictures....

to be continued...

===========================================================

I wrote this as a gift to a friend, who finally understands, and forgiving my slip out some time ago... she’s much more genius in anyway if both of us were dropped into a comparison.... :)

Some people said that we become the lord on a scrap of paper... but I’m not trying to pull anything out of it. I just want to write... not more not less. So... let me enlighten you people !!!

Line of the day : "....like smoke on the fire... like dust on the mirror..."
( Linda Hunt ; The Year of Living Dangerously )

7 years

2004-09-26T06:17:00.000+07:00

Seven years in Jogjakarta....

I just graduated....( it took me 7 years just to get that silly.. yellow.. tiny... rope on that five squared hat, moved from the left side to the right side... ). I knew that look on the deans face when he shakes my hand... It's the look that stated..." finally we've got rid of you... you old school bastard..." LOL

Seven years..., and I've seen the same boy, singing on the same traffic lights almost everyday...hoping for a drop of a coin from the cars windows...

Seven years..., and I'm glad I can be a part of those hard working people, working our guts to make hundreds people able to enjoy good music for free...

Seven years...., and this damn recurring injury on my right knee has made me stop doing wall climbing...

Seven years..., and I had so many discipline breakdown...

Seven years..., and I still have no idea how I ended up as a civil engineer...

And one and a half year..., that damned "multiple orgasm" book of mine finally return... ( and bloody hell... my book looks awful...)

Line of the day : "...I'm just not finished yet..."
( Kiefer Sutherland ; Phone Booth )

ZZZ...huh...WTF !!!

2004-09-26T05:01:00.000+07:00

Dammit.... I just woke up and realized I fall asleep in a cyber cafe !!!...

Heck.... I’ll write something anyway....

Dunno what’s going on. But lately, I’ve found myself so intrigued with death...
To me... it’s not love, that make you stop and contemplate...it’s death.

I’m planning to write a short story about a boy that get so obsessed with death, but my brain was to tired to even get a story flow as I wanted it to...

I’m thinking about two death... a she... and a he... At the moment you die...She kisses you softly and then you die gracefully...

While he bend his knee and asking Lord for a forgiveness...then he stands up... and cut your throat in a grim reaper style...( on 2nd thought, I think... I’ll make him more comfy with a shotgun or something...) ... :)

So... it really depends on how you live your life....

Huff... GTG people... I don’t want to fall asleep here anymore... It cost too much for a poor guy like me ( LOL )

Line of the day : "...he's not on my list..."
( Ian McKellen ; Last Action Hero )

ugh !!

2004-09-25T23:59:00.000+07:00

( Actually... I'm dead tired !! ), my fingers are starting a rebel against me. They always hit the wrong alphabet on the keyboard, it took me almost 10 minutes just to wrote this shit...

WHITE FLAG FINGERS !!!!.... I GIVE UP !!!

Line of the day : "...maybe we weren't that good..."
(Adam Pascal ; The School of Rock )

vindicated

2004-09-24T13:48:00.000+07:00

...I just talk to Sapto. And I told him almost everything. My fears, my darkest irony, my contemplation, my sin..... and my hope ( I thought I lost them.. )

And you can guess the look on his face... he's shocked alright.

I'm vindicated...

I'm tired running... and suddenly I miss the my dear ghost... hoping that she would woke me up and told me to get a midnight prayer...and not freaked me out again. I think for tonight I'll sleep on my old boarding house...got some friends still hangin there... ( miss ur ghostly beauty...)

I left my routine prayer for about a month... and now I felt like I'm gonna stumble.

A quarter of a century... and the years slowly has drawed some line age upon my forehead. Yet, I have no idea where the dear fate will take me...

Last night on my dream...I thought I've seen death... and she runs her finger and scrambling my messy hair...she pinch my nose knowing I'd hate that but I'd do nothing...she blinks her eyes and told me that I had to wait for about 40 years...and later she'll promise me a sweet kiss on that day...

I cried... "Okay... I'll wait... but it's gotta be you... not the man in a black rope pointing his scythe on hells waiting list..."

She's gone... but the whisper echoed... "Dear...didn't I just promised you a kiss..., angels don't tell lies..."

And then...I fall gracefully...

Line of the day :"...I wanted it to be you... I wanted it so badly..."
( Meg Ryan ; You've Got Mail )

guilty as charge !!!

2004-09-23T09:46:00.000+07:00

this is a total failure...

there’s a weird line that got stuck in my head in the later stages of my adolescence. I can’t remember where it’s from; a friend, a story? But someone was talking to some sad fellow, and the phrase “freak” is uttered. The sad fellow rears up contemptuously and roars, “You ever been hit by a freak boy ??”

It was obvious that the sad boy were judged without any reasonable doubt...

a complete misunderstanding...
at first... maybe it was a sensitivity that overrated...

For one mistake, I shall pay dearly... and judged as guilty...as a maniac...
I don't want to call her, even if I wanted to... right now...it would make everythings worse.

I mean... I've been judged by people all the time, in this real life. I can take that...go ahead and pinch me !!!. But not in virtual world..., when someone you'll unlikely to see have judged you... I found that as a devastating situation.

But it's my fault anyway... I'm the one who got freaked out first right ???...

And now... I'm officially A FREAK...( without the necessity of a verdict )

Line of the day : "....it's not about you...., you mathematical DICK !!!... It's about the boy..."

( Robbin Williams : Good Will Hunting )

point blank

2004-09-22T13:44:00.000+07:00

I just wish I could make everything right...

I didn't think of any consequences. Now everything turns out to be another total nightmare...

I think my nightmares are hunting me down again... this is a bad timing for another episodes of nightmare !!!

I just cannot afford to let people down, or to freak them out…
No... not this time...never...

....stab my soul...yet I'll revive...
....blind my eyes...yet I'll revive...
....break my bones...yet I'll revive...
....kill me another way...
....for I couldn't endure another reviving agony...

Line of the day : "....ohhh...the agooniiiiiyyyy...."
( Bugs Bunny : Loney Tunes; Back in Action )

Heroes....

2004-09-21T22:27:00.000+07:00

I just watched the Oprah show on tv… and saw this girl… her name is Alex Scott, she 8 years old... I swear I could wept and cried the irony...

Alex had a cancer... she’ve raised fund over 200.000 USD, just by selling lemonade...

Is it just me or else... But suddenly I felt so tiny in front of my TV...

There's a real hero out there people !!!

Line of the day : "....this thing is kinda heavy...."
( Tobey Maguire : Spider-Man 2 )

sloppy

2004-09-20T07:46:00.000+07:00

Geez... I almost lost my cell twice in a day...

first at the cyber cafe... I realize my cell wasn't there in my bag when I got home. I rushed back and ride my bike 100 km/h...

and second in the bus station...
Thanks to those honest people...

Line of the day : "...grab shell dude !!!...."

blame the thumb

2004-09-19T15:22:00.000+07:00

When I text one of my friend, and told her that she've freaked me out. I made a wrong decision... Later she called, and asked me why I got freaked out... She even called me... damn !!!.

I was over reacted on something that turns out to be nothing...

Damn... I felt like a 5 years old boy, afraid his new toy is lost or taken away.
I dunno... what the heck is happening to me...

I tried to let it go, wipe it out from my head.

I looked at my right thumb, and blame it for pressing the pad on my cell...
Yeah spin... blame it on the thumb...

Line of the day : "...I'll fix things up mom, I promise..."
( Aston Kutcher ; The Butterfly Effect )

Whiiii... at last...

2004-09-19T07:36:00.000+07:00

Yesterday, I found my lost heaven...
A place called district library. Gezz, I've been in this town for about 7 years now and didn't even notice that there are two district library here... shoot !!

So I went there, and just smell those old books I felt err... funny but...dunno... enormously happy...

But when I decided to borrow some books, the librarian told me that I have to be a student or a local people. Student ??, dude... I just graduated, and my new class on my new campus won't started until 27th september... geez I cannot wait that long...

Kinda disappointed, I went to "shopping"... No, not shopping, the place is actually called "shopping"... I tried to hunt some classic book, and the prize is crazeeyy!!!.

My good mood is completely gone... But guess what, I suddenly remember one website that offers a vast collection of classical short stories.
http://www.angeltowns.com/members/shortstories/index.html
Sooo... I'm happy again and downloading sooo many short stories...

Yummy...

Line of the day :" sooo... what brings you on this fine day to the E.A.C ???... "
( Crush ( Andrew Stanton ) : Finding Nemo )

anxious

2004-09-18T03:23:00.000+07:00

Well, when you thought that you know things... is likely you'll hit the wall of nothingness. Ignorance is a bliss..

I'd love to say that I almost fully recover from those deep wounds after some shitty chains of events that has been shadowing me for almost a year...

I was there, well... almost "less" human...

But when I thought I'll be able to make my way back. I hit another wall, maybe it was only my overrated sensivity...LOL

I dare myself to write a letter of "confession" to a friend of mine just now, hope that she'll understand that I wouldn't take her for granted...

Line of the day : " and between thair legs.... heaven"
( Al Pacino ; Scent of a Woman )

run chicken run !!!

2004-09-17T19:06:00.000+07:00

I forgot the last time I had a wet dream.... So I went to bed last night, and hoping that my sexy fairy would be sooo nice to give me a wet dream... :) LOL

And guess what ??... she actually listening my wishes.....so there we go... hour by hour, and last night was my lucky night.... It's kinda blurry but I recall it was 3some party....

But the thing is, I obviously forgot that my new landlady has sooo many chicken... and at five in the morning.... ( believe me.. ).. they sounds like total nightmare !!!. By the time that I was going to do the thing... those chicken started a screaming contest !!... I woke up and found out that nothing wet on my pants.... I was damn upset.

So at nine, I jump onto my bike, and went to one of my fave place to eat and got my revenge.... a hot chicken BBQ.... I went back home, and save the burping for those damn chicken !!..... :D

Line of the day : "...and for those who love me.... FOLLOW ME..."
( Milla Jovovich : The Messenger )

room

2004-09-17T02:14:00.000+07:00

Moving..., and seconds ticking..

This September I've moved out of my old room,....a small room with red brick color painting, and that navy blue curtain. I stand in the middle of this room taking a deep breath, then on my last steps out of it, I stood in front of the door for a few moment. Just standing there and those memories flashes back, every single second of joy and despair, success and failure. Then a mixed feeling scrambled...

This room was so full of memories, I can smell the fresh painting in the air when I first got here. It just felt like yesterday, when I lay my self here and rest from the strain, this room has been the most comforting shelter in my last seven year. There was this writing in the door that I pick from a song from Collective Soul, "..who could bring me heaven when heaven is already here..??". Well....., this small room was my little heaven ( at least I think so ).

Memories......, All those past, those names come and go, friends and foes, everything you've seen, you've felt, you've heard, you loved, you left behind. Thousand days, billion seconds. these slice by slice of memories filling the space in your mind.., and finally became something we feel grateful for or regret. Then all of your hopes and dreams, some of them became reality and the other has fall down...not forgetting the other you'll chase.

We'll never be able to step back in our life, all we can do is stop and rest a while to turn our head back, turn to look at those memories, then moving on our life again. Until the end when we reach the last door as the end of our life.

One thing I know for sure, memories will always be a part of our life. Everything you've been through will be your shadow in every step you'll make, it will make you stronger if you want it, and make you crumble if you let it. No matter if it's good or bad memories...., To rise or fall while moving with our life it's up to us. It's up to us to cherish or to forget this memories, and thanking ( or maybe cursing ) anyone or anything that takes a part in it.

So..., I'm going to leave the room where I've spent most of my daily life these last seven year. I pull my last bag then close the door smoothly. And walk away to start a new page in my life....., I whisper good bye and thanking this old and small room to be a part of my life and at least for being a comforting shelter in my life....

test...

2004-09-02T17:43:00.000+07:00

test...

Okay, I'm trying to get myself used to any web activities again !!!. No more mindless boring spot on my day...

Line of the day : "...because I choose to..."
( Keanu Revees ; Matrix Revolution )

40 days

2004-06-07T07:39:00.000+07:00

There you are, breath your few last day...Somehow you've felt it...But your mouth betrays..., it wont speak a word...Just a few days away... From your toe to your head...Then the most painful part unleashed...The longest seconds in your life...Breath is slipping away...

There you are, standing with an angel with a plain face...Watching your body lies cold...Then you see tears, from those beloved...And thick smile from the hatred...

You're a ghost for 40 days...

This is your final door, you've had your answer for every life time question. You're moving between walking and flying, trying to give a comfort to the one you left behind. But right now you're invisible...., still there and spectating every answer.

You're a ghost for 40 days...

You shed no tears, you only had two option... , You smile or laugh...... You smiled because you knew you've prepared for you final door.., you knew your reward..you had the color of the rainbow. Or you laugh..., laughing the mistakes, the stupidity...., you knew this day would came, yet you still unprepared.., your color is eternal darkness.

You're a ghost for 40 days...

You've completed your chapter, no more pain, no more burden, you've been revived. You're exist to end and end to exist..

choose

2004-05-23T06:32:00.000+07:00

On my way back here, I had this conversation on the bus, I had a chat with this girl, she told me that she's looking for a new job, she used to work as a bartender in one of a night club in my home town. What so special about it ??. Despite that she was so talented in so many things like painting, dancing, sculpturing, and writing..... she also told me her dark side. Well, what can you expect from a night life ??. Don't ask me the details..., I don't hang out in night clubs !!.

The thing that interest me is that she complain about GOD, complain on how HE became so unfair to her, how GOD make her life so miserable..., How GOD took her beloved, and there were so many complaint..., the point is that she doesn't believe in GOD.

I'm so curious, so I asked her if she's trying anything stupid like suicide.., She told me she did this twice. The first one when she took too many pills, and the second one is when she had an abortion...., why GOD didn't let me die..., just die..

After that long story finished, she looked at me with tears forming mirror in her eyes and said that she has no life, this is not the life she wanted. She asked me why GOD became so unfair....

If you want to know how I react. I laugh !!.

She was surprised, she starred at me with this look that said " what the hell ??, shouldn't I got a little sympathy here ?? ". She didn't have to wait too long for an answer. I stop laughing and say," You complain for this ??, a dead boyfriend is a lying cold and burried, free sex seems nice as long as you got condoms, suicide is stupid, and abortion is murder !!..". " You've choose your own way , your way to live !! ". She harshly replied and reminds me that she never choose this kind of living.

I smiled and asked her if she regrets all that thing she' have done...... I had to wait in two minutes for a perfect " No !! ". I smiled and didn't say a word..., she had her answer. Sometime you asked a question with an answer already in your pocket...

A few day later she called and told me that she had a new job as a traditional dancer in a four star hotel . It's a good job and good money..., Then she asked me her last question. " Did GOD hate me because I hate HIM ???...". Then it was her turn to wait for about two minutes for my answer..., " No my dear friend..., you love GOD so much...until it hurts..". I don't have to explain the thin line between love and hate..., she picked the last answer from her pocket again.

I don't bother asking her if now she believe in GOD..., but as she hangs up the phone, I had a question to my self.." how far would you go to have a better life ??..hard way or short cut..??.

1

2003-11-23T03:36:00.000+07:00

It was an ordinary conversation, when me and some of old friends met at my campus, it was a nice reunion. We laugh, and cheering throwing jokes on each other. The mood suddenly change when one my friend pops the question on this " someone ". Who ??, what someone ??..., my friend replied " Someone you 'll spend the rest of your life with !!.."

To be honest, at first I thought that they were planning on mocking me. The fact that all of them already had a boy friend, or girl friend. In fact, one of them already had a daughter !!. And I'm the only one who's not !!.

In unstoppable speed, one of my friend spit his words, " I want a nice girl, beautiful face and with nice teeth, tall and have a killer body !!, and rich !!". Yeah, dream on it !!. The other one jumps in " I want a man with great understanding, no mustache and beard, had a good job and good money, willing to compromise my shopping behavior !!". Words after words, and I know that they were joking..., they already have their " someone " right ??

Yet I'm still there, not listening or even laughing on that jokes. That simple question strikes me..

Realizing that something is missing, they turn their head on me and looked at me carefully. " Hey, we thought you've let her go.. ". I replied in an unpleasant tone, " Hey done is done !!, all of you know me better than that !!". They smiled, " So what about this silence, you said almost nothing..."

"..No, nothing....", They looked at each other and laugh.., "..yeah right !!, it's not like we just met yesterday. Looking at you with that face which makes you look older in second and your hands covering your mouth..., you definitively had something on your mind !!". I laugh...they are my best friends... When we stop laughing, they still looked at me, waiting for anything that I had in mind to flow out of my mouth...

Ok.., I want someone to take me as I am. That's it ??, of course not..., my definition on " take me as I am " means...

...I want someone who wakes me up in the morning and whisper in my ears to tell me that she loves me, someone who hold my hand when I failed and whisper " don't worry dear, I'm here, ..we'll get trough this..", someone who enjoy a second of eternity when I hug her from behind just to smell her hair, someone who draws the best out of me, someone who smiles on my success and whisper ".. you did it..", then I replied" no dear, we did it ", someone who could see a simple forever in my eyes, someone who dare to dream with me and fighting hard to make it true, someone faithful and honest, and everyday she makes make me feel complete...., and she realize that she gets the same thing from me...

There was so many expectation, but that night I kept it all to myself. That night I just said "..someone who takes me as I am.."

let go

2003-09-29T00:20:00.000+07:00

As always...

Letting go something precious is always a hard option, some of us and maybe I did to. We create our own hell. I spend these last day trying to re-explore things in past. Looking for an answer. How the heck this thing could happen. I read all the letters and writing both my ex and I made long way back. Instead of crying hard I found my self laughing in tears...realizing that actually we let so many things slipping away from our hands...

I found out that things hasn't change, promises made are not done. Both of us trying to change for the good of this thing so called relation. Instead of changing both of us ended up loving but hurting each other. I don't have to tell you the details.

So I've made my decision to let go. As painful as it said, I called her and you know what ??, by the time I decide to tell her that I'm letting go...my voices got stuck in my throat !!. Tough I finally said it, my voices aren't that clear. So I went to see her, and finally eyes to eyes...I said something that deep down I don't want to say...

She has every right to choose, and makes her own decision. No matter how hard I tried to convince her that we can turn things out, ...anything I did just wouldn't change a thing. The fact that I missed and ignoring simple things while we still together turns out to be devastating..., so finally I had to make my decision too....

Maybe I lied to my conscience, maybe I'm just pretending that I'm strong. Right now every time we meet and talks, things suddenly became endless conversation. We go in circles with no point to settle. To be honest.., I can't take it anymore.

If you think I choose not to love her anymore....you got it wrong. I love her, I still care . I just felt that I cannot let things to be like this. I cannot let my self drowning. I have to move on. I definitively never want to join the band of suicidal fools....., and I never trusted those damn drugs and alcohol anyway !!

So....did I still had a hope that maybe one day we'll be together again ??. The truth is ...I don't know. I don't want to keep a hope that turns out to be a growing blur image. Maybe she's not the one I've been looking for. Maybe she's the one to make me realize what it felt like when we were separated from someone we loved. I learn a lot from this....

And look for the bright side !!, at least I know that she failed to see me completely. And take me as I am.

Right now, the best thing I can do is praying,..... for the best for both of us.

So here I am.....letting go.

lullaby

2003-09-26T06:31:00.000+07:00

You've heard these old tale. A lullaby, whispered by old folks. A lullaby about dreams...a lullaby that there's your soul mate somewhere, waiting for you. Or you've read it somewhere..., while another story told us that there's a sleeping beauty, waiting for a perfect prince to land the sweetest kiss to end its eternal sleep. Well, those lullaby never dies..

Let me tell you this undefined chapter...

He was a knight in shining armor, riding his white steed..., searching for a princess.., But for him this story turns to be an upside down reality. Yes..., I tried to be that brave knight. And I've found a princess. So.., there it goes..., the perfect tale that old lullaby told me. But only it has a different ending.

Everything turns out ugly, she was saved by the wrong knight....and that would be me, the fact that she belongs to a wealthy lord. Without saying goodbye she just disappear... The chapter ends as he stands alone. In rusted armor and with exhausted steed he quit fighting..., no more princess !!.

Suddenly out of the blue, someone step in front of him, Oh Great !!, this is what I need...someone mocking me !!, maybe laughing on my failure. Could it be any harder than this ??, but then he knows he was wrong. It was another princess, but she was so modest and humble. When he look closely to her face, she smiles. Her face draws the most beautiful smile that he ever met. When she speaks, those words flowing smoothly." . But when he thought he found his answer, he realize that he still a fallen knight, and she was too good to be true..., he choose to walk away from her...

" And after a long journey, I've found a new princess. And then everything moved perfectly, my glorious day is there in front of my eyes....I even forgot about my simple princess. But everything became an upside down reality. Somehow in her eyes, I became the perfect monster. She runs away with another knight...another ugly ending..."

reflect

2003-09-23T06:26:00.000+07:00

Fast changes are arriving....

Sometime, when you stand in front of a mirror, you see something different. You didn't found your self on it. The reflection was not you, it was someone else. You realize that something changes. The image looks just like you but it wasn't you, your ego maybe ??, or your arch-enemy ??. Or you see a hero in front of you ??.

If you ask me what I see, I saw my arch-enemy. I saw the man who laughs at every single failure that I made. I saw a man who supposed to be the cause of my failure, I saw my laziness, I saw my incapability, I saw my weakness, I saw my pain, I saw my anger....., I saw my dark side. And that moment I had to decide to deal with him or run away....

I choose to deal with him.

It's not easy to deal with someone you've lived with since you were born. He knows me too well. I almost give up, but when I see that face again.., I know I can't take it anymore. Enough is enough...

So I decided to fight with a bigger will, with a constant prayer.

Did it works ??, well... I do have a slight improvement. And I know that a small step or a big step, it's going to take me further, to make all what I want to do with my life became a reality. Right now I choose to crawl, then I hope I'll be able to stand, walk and run to my path of life. I know that I can do it, I must !!. I can't let that " good for nothing " bastard win !!.

Is this a turning point ??, maybe it is. If you find a hero reflected by a mirror, then I'm glad for you. If you find that bastard, don't hesitate to fight !!. This is your life and you're the king !! ( And I dare to bet you...., that crown doesn't fit on their heads !! )

lost.lost.lost

2003-08-13T03:16:00.000+07:00

People never understand the meaning of having something precious until they lost it, you know what I mean...??. It can be loosing your stuff or money ( blame those damn thief and how clumsy you are !! ), Loosing someone you loved and so on...

Why do we have to loose something just to feel that we had it once ??, well it's the only way... In fact , loosing something cost us too much pain.....we can't sleep well, our jobs become a real mess, our food becomes tasteless, everything just not right....

I just lost someone I really loved, body and soul. She said that our relation was " ill " , and she prefers to shut it down. It seems unfair, while I feel that we can turns things around. But everything was already said and done, she said she just can take my lack of " attention ", I realize that I'm not a man who said I love you a lot. we showed our love in many different ways, so was I !!. I just doesn't understand why she choose to leave...

Things began to turn worse when someone else stepped in the middle, and she felt that he can gave her what she needs. So there she goes. Five years of relation gone in a glance !!. I loved her so much, I'll give up anything to turn things around, willing to change !!. But I guess she needed more than that..., and that damn thing called regret came late as always, then bad luck begins to be a good friend, a few days later I lost some money, that money supposed to be my final assignment cost in college...( for God sake, you don't want this " friend " to tag along !! )

My friends asked me to let go, I don't know !!. It's always be hard and painful if you wanted to reach someone, you knock on their heart and they didn't even step to the front door !!. " Forgive yourself !! ", said one of my friend. In pain and anger I yelled, ".....Forgive my self for what ??, for letting her slipping away ??..., for not seeing this thing coming ??,.. for not saying I love you a lot.. , for not be able to care enough..!!, Forgive my self for WHAT ??!!. For God sake, she didn't have to say anything and I already now what she's thinking, I already know how her mood just by hearing the sounds of her shoes stepped towards my room...., which part of my self I had to forgive ?? . I'm looking for answer not forgiveness !!". My friend replied calmly " what kind of answer ??, you had your answer ..."

As those words stops echoing, everything muted. I cannot felt anything but pain. My friend leaves me alone as something salty begin to flow trough my cheek...

Humans..., we thought every single thing moved smoothly....but it didn't. The most painful part is that I cannot figure my self on her eyes..., the fact that I knew her too well.....,Or did I ??, If I knew her well, things wouldn't turn out to be like this. Humans eh ??.

Reality always know the best spot to stab us where it hurt most. I realize this could happen to anyone of us, so right now I'm trying hard to survive, and as a start maybe forgiving my self. As painful as it said, My friend reminds me and makes me realize that forgiving is always a brave option. And I know for sure that everything is easier to be said than to be done. But at least I'm trying........

hell.break.loose

2003-08-07T13:23:00.000+07:00

Hell break loose...again

Another bombing, after Bali and now Jakarta.......people died knowing without any reason. Being the sacrifice but not knowing for what reason. Their loved ones who left behind cries, it's unfair....as they cries. Right now some of them still questioning their God in their prayer. While the other might have lost their faith in God....

Imagine this, when their loved one died in such horrible way. Their beloved wondering why they have to die in such way. Right now they didn't know where to stand. Their children wondering why there were so many people dressed in black and cries in their house. Right now, a mother takes a look at his boy and doesn't have any idea how she can afford his future....even some people ask why God remain silent... Those familiar prayer whisper from their mouth...

I remember when one day one of my friend drop by and he brought with him some documentary movies on the riot act in Poso and Ambon.. Even now... Still...., I can draw the image of the slaughter, When we watched the videos and the photos... All we can see is blood and smoke...we can smell them., For God sake.., they're slaying children. And they were brothers back a while. They killing each other for an undefined cause.. an unsolved riddle. We stood there watching those pictures... Then me and my friends looked at each other and we didn't have to spit the words out....everything began to make sense..., they are not human.

I had the stomach to watch the slaughter, but not my conscience...

Yet, those AK - 47 still swarming blood thirsty bullets in Iraq and Aceh, The Israeli tanks bursting missile to Palestine houses, yet, those damn terrorist sworn for their own justice. blood for blood, an eye for an eye, they claimed to have their own reason. And this whatever it is, their reason takes lives !!. Maybe they just trying to give the angel of death an overtime jobs !!, And the fact that the " real terrorist " is standing there untouchable makes me sick !!...Reason ??, Answer ??...., you can say everything happens for a reason. But I just didn't understand, why humans have to take others life, why humans hurts others feeling for a certain goal. You can bet that they have their own answer to my question..., but I just didn't understand, I will never be able to understand....

silence.silence.silence

2003-02-10T10:11:00.000+07:00

0Have you had the feeling that everything suddenly so quiet, you woke up from your sleep, you cannot move and you hear none....nothing, everything so quiet.

Then these pictures flashes in front of your eyes and mind, the pictures of family, friends, foes, someone you love, the joy and tragedy you’ve experienced. Everything from your past moment just pass you trough that seconds of silence.

Then whispering inside your heart your conscience, your conscience know that you weren’t ready. I’m not ready yet, we’re not ready !!. When this kind of thought strikes, it freaks me out a lot....

Some people said that life is just like the flow of river, you just flow. Some river went to ocean rushing, storming everything that comes in their way. the other just flow quietly, lightly and calmly, while other unlucky river runs dry. So what kind of river were we ??. you tell me !!. Every river had a point to change their speed. The catastrophic river can be calm in some point, while the calm flowing river can suddenly be a disaster if a hard rain falls. And every river has and end, the ocean ends every flow..., where we ends ??, Death...

I was among them who believe that every human had a turning point in their life. Only when was that turning point showed up ??. beat the hell out off me !!. if you feel that this is your time to move on, don't hesitate !! move on, crawling, standing, walking then running !!. it's your life and you decide which way you want to go. And knowing that there is going to be a lot more turning point to come..., perhaps this is what people called " growing up "..,

Yet, we cannot forget to mention that sometime things just doesn't work out..., hey it's life isn't it ??. The biggest regret will knock on our head when we're never fight on what we want in our life. To flow or fight your life it's up to you.... I'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to do with your life.. Again..it's your call..