a [loud] lullaby: lost.lost.lost

and i would sing you a loud lullaby. when you hover aside and fall asleep. and when you drift in dreams... my loud lullaby will keep you awake.

lost.lost.lost

Published Wednesday, August 13, 2003 by yani patrik | E-mail this post

People never understand the meaning of having something precious until they lost it, you know what I mean...??. It can be loosing your stuff or money ( blame those damn thief and how clumsy you are !! ), Loosing someone you loved and so on...

Why do we have to loose something just to feel that we had it once ??, well it's the only way... In fact , loosing something cost us too much pain.....we can't sleep well, our jobs become a real mess, our food becomes tasteless, everything just not right....

I just lost someone I really loved, body and soul. She said that our relation was " ill " , and she prefers to shut it down. It seems unfair, while I feel that we can turns things around. But everything was already said and done, she said she just can take my lack of " attention ", I realize that I'm not a man who said I love you a lot. we showed our love in many different ways, so was I !!. I just doesn't understand why she choose to leave...

Things began to turn worse when someone else stepped in the middle, and she felt that he can gave her what she needs. So there she goes. Five years of relation gone in a glance !!. I loved her so much, I'll give up anything to turn things around, willing to change !!. But I guess she needed more than that..., and that damn thing called regret came late as always, then bad luck begins to be a good friend, a few days later I lost some money, that money supposed to be my final assignment cost in college...( for God sake, you don't want this " friend " to tag along !! )

My friends asked me to let go, I don't know !!. It's always be hard and painful if you wanted to reach someone, you knock on their heart and they didn't even step to the front door !!. " Forgive yourself !! ", said one of my friend. In pain and anger I yelled, ".....Forgive my self for what ??, for letting her slipping away ??..., for not seeing this thing coming ??,.. for not saying I love you a lot.. , for not be able to care enough..!!, Forgive my self for WHAT ??!!. For God sake, she didn't have to say anything and I already now what she's thinking, I already know how her mood just by hearing the sounds of her shoes stepped towards my room...., which part of my self I had to forgive ?? . I'm looking for answer not forgiveness !!". My friend replied calmly " what kind of answer ??, you had your answer ..."

As those words stops echoing, everything muted. I cannot felt anything but pain. My friend leaves me alone as something salty begin to flow trough my cheek...

Humans..., we thought every single thing moved smoothly....but it didn't. The most painful part is that I cannot figure my self on her eyes..., the fact that I knew her too well.....,Or did I ??, If I knew her well, things wouldn't turn out to be like this. Humans eh ??.

Reality always know the best spot to stab us where it hurt most. I realize this could happen to anyone of us, so right now I'm trying hard to survive, and as a start maybe forgiving my self. As painful as it said, My friend reminds me and makes me realize that forgiving is always a brave option. And I know for sure that everything is easier to be said than to be done. But at least I'm trying........